‘Jersey Shore’ on the Maumee RiverWritten by Jeremy Baumhower | | firstname.lastname@example.org
As MTV is always looking for ways to exploit its hit show “The Jersey Shore,” I wanted to invite the producers here for a potential spinoff — “The Toledo Shore.” With more than 9 million people tuning in every Thursday night, what better way to showcase the many things Toledo has to offer while also highlighting the crazy that is our political scene.
Since this could be the first spin- off of the show, casting would need to be perfect. So, we are going to have to go big when trying to fill the role of The Situation. Look no further than the mayor himself, Mike Bell. Mayor Bell knows how to have a good time; just stop by Six Pack on the occasional Friday night and look for the 6-foot-2 cowboy on the dance floor being the life of the party. The Situation is always wearing tight shirts and showing his six-pack of abs. If you want to see tight, Mayor Bell still likes to don his UT football varsity jacket from the early ’70s.
Snooki may be tricky; she’s a shorter woman who loves to party and cause drama. Hmmm … drama, short and loud? I wonder how former Councilwoman Betty Shultz spends her days. First, Snooki is orange like an oompa-loompa and Shultz has/had reddish hair. They both like to enjoy the spirits — Snooki at a club, Betty at the occasional festival. Both ladies are not afraid to remove an earring before throwing a punch or political jab.
DJ Pauly D, with his well-coifed mane, could only be filled by Councilman Joe McNamara. McNamara appears to spend a quality amount of time working on his “blowout” and was recently quoted to say “awesome” when asked about Jeep’s expansion. DJ Joey Mac only needs to “fist pump” to techno music while nodding at Lindsay Webb from across City Council chambers.
Everyone who watches “The Shore” knows about the drama of Ronnie and Sammi. We could go many different ways here with Pete and Polly Gerken. I have no idea if there is any crazy there, but dealing with Pete on a daily basis can not be easy. Or you could go the on-again off-again angle with media mogul JRB — who shall remain in initials — and his colleague, leader of the local GOP, Jon Stainbrook. They are Toledo’s C. Montgomery Burns and Waylon Smithers (no relationship overtones implied). Their political bromance would make excellent TV and with new CGI technology you could barely see any strings attached to Stainbrook’s arms and shoulders.
The role of Vinny is a tossup between two very smooth individuals. “Toledo Shore” could easily cast Greek Councilman George Sarantou or the West Side’s Councilman Tom Waniewski. Vinny, like these two men, often plays the role of peacekeeper. Behind closed doors, all three men know how to handle business — Vinny just does it in a different way.
Imagine our “Toledo Shore” crew hanging out at Cousino’s Navy Bistro … oops, a location may be an issue. But for the sake of this piece, imagine we had a great thriving nightclub where the “Toledo Shore” could fist pump the night away. The potential hookups, smushing and grenade-watching would be epic.
“Toledo Shore” could be how the Marina Project gets completed. The “Jersey Shore” cast is forced to live together and it’s normally a pretty lavish condo by some water. Where else were some pretty lavish condos supposed to have been built … by the shore? I love it when a good spinoff comes together!
Finally, the cast of “Jersey Shore” is always worried about getting the GTL (gym, tanning, laundry) done. “Toledo Shore” would be concerned about PBD — plotting, bickering and dogs. It seems that those three letters best describe “Toledo Shore’s” daily routine, even though the letters should be JOB, as in, how to get new ones to come here. Trust me, I am not drinking the Hater-ade, I am craving some Economic-ade!
Follow-Up: Sadly, all 53 signs advertising where the “Toledo Shore” auditions were to take place were sliced in half and destroyed.
Jeremy Baumhower is a media expert who writes and produces for morning radio shows across the country. Follow him on Twitter @jeremytheproduc.