McGinnis: Pitching Arnold’s Next Few (Dozen) Career MovesWritten by Jeff McGinnis | | firstname.lastname@example.org
Universal Pictures says California’s former governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will star in ‘The Legend of Conan,’ an action film being developed for the actor. Deadline Hollywood was the first to report the news.
“The 65-year-old Schwarzenegger starred in two previous films about the mythic hero: 1982′s ‘Conan the Barbarian’ and 1984′s ‘Conan the Destroyer.’ Schwarzenegger told Deadline he loves the character and is ‘honored’ to play him again.”
Arnie, baby! How ya doing? Great to see ya. You’re lookin’ great! I wanted to say right off the bat, LOVED the book. Just loved it. Your writing helped inspire me to solve a pressing personal problem, and I couldn’t have done it without ya. Oh, I haven’t actually read the book yet. See, I had this one table that needed propping up, and your book worked perfectly to balance it out. So, thank YOU, Arnie.
Who am I? Who am I? I’m the guy that’s gonna fast-track your career right back to the top of the A-list, that’s who I am, baby! They call me Jeffy McG, script doctor to the stars. And I’m here to pitch you the movies that will top the box office for the next ten years!
Now, I know, you’ve already got a lot of projects in the pipeline. You just announced the return to Conan, they’re talking about revisiting “Terminator,” you have a ton of franchises that are ready to relaunch. But why stop there, Arnie? You have an entire career to draw inspiration from! And at your … uh, ever-so-slightly advanced age, we could see so many of these iconic characters at a different stage in their lives!
Like, picture this. You started out in movies as one of the most legendary heroes ever. And you have yet to grace that cinematic classic with a sequel? For shame, Arnie! Imagine Hercules, a lifetime of battle behind him, ready to retire from adventuring to a sunny land, where there are golf courses to conquer and all-you-can-eat buffets to slay with a wave of your mighty utensil! “Hercules in Florida!” I can hear the stampede to the box office as we speak!
No? Really? Okay, how about this: Detective John Kimble has spent two decades happily teaching youngsters by making them march around his classroom and avoiding any lessons that might actually impart useful information. But now, he’s coming up on mandatory retirement age! How will he make ends meet with a kid to put through college and only a side job doing prank calls for local radio stations? He’ll have to hope he can cover it with his …”Kindergarten Pension!” Eh? Eh?
Oh, come on, I’m giving you gold here and you’re acting like it’s sheep dip! Fine, fine, how about this? Mars. The near future. A normal, everyday man who happens to look just like Schwarzenegger is on the run from a secret organization. But his years spent having phony vacations beamed into his brain have taken their toll on his memory! Is he Quaid? Is he Houser? He doesn’t know! He …”Can’t Recall!” Get it? See?
Okay, wait, you’re not liking the sequel ideas, fine. How about a little genre-bending? You’re a contestant in a futuristic game show where they unleash zombies on you! “The Running Dead!” Get it? Get it? It’s like the “Walking Dead,” but you’re running! See?
Hmm, maybe you don’t watch AMC. Do you have Dish Network? Well, how about combining two of your own films? If you take two not-quite-hits and put them together, you obviously would have a big success! Picture this: A man and his clone team up to prevent the devil from taking over the universe. It’s “The End of the 6th Day!”
Okay, okay, I’m getting the impression that you’re not that impressed by my ideas. Maybe it’s the annoyed look in your eye, maybe it’s the wall of security guards that have suddenly appeared behind me. But wait, before they throw me out into the street face first, I have one — ONE — more idea to pitch to you. This one is a sure winner, can’t fail. You and Danny DeVito, together again. But this time, it turns out there was another baby the day the two of you were born! Yeah! “Triplets!” And the third baby — wait for it — Eddie Murphy! It’s can’t fail!
Wait. What? You are already making that one? Seriously? I mean, seriously? I was just making these up out of my ass, as a joke. And you’re telling me that last idea is really happening? Being filmed? Like for movie theaters and everything?
Well, I get a percentage, right?