McGinnis: Reviewing the new “Evil Dead” trailerWritten by Jeff McGinnis | | firstname.lastname@example.org
Fans the world over were ready to hate the very idea of a remake of the classic horror film “The Evil Dead,” especially when it was revealed that iconic star Bruce Campbell (who is one of the producers of the new version) would not be reprising his role of Ash. Even assurances from Campbell himself weren’t enough to still objections. Then, this week, the first red-band trailer officially hit the internet … and the objections suddenly stopped. What about the trailer has convinced fans the remake may not suck? Let’s take a look.
0:00: “The following preview has been approved for Mature Audiences Only …” Hoo boy, this may be challenging to sum up for a family newspaper like Toledo Free Press Star. Luckily, I have installed a new Family Friendly Filter (FFF for short) that will censor out any objectionable material and replace the text with brackets filled with language and imagery appropriate for the kiddies. Let’s test it … son of a [female puppy dog singing Disney showtunes]! Hmm, nice.
0:06: Opening shots of the wilderness setting, leading into the obligatory sight of a bunch of stupid college-age kids walking into an isolated cabin to spend a lovely weekend fighting for their lives against the spawn of hell. Oh, and there seems to be a dog this time. No idea if it’s male or a [female puppy dog singing Disney showtunes].
0:12: One of the kids: “Mom would have hated seeing the cabin like this.” I think she’ll hate it even more once this weekend is over, dude. The dog pulls up a carpet, revealing the iconic cellar door. So it’s all the [female puppy dog singing Disney showtunes]‘s fault. Ain’t that always the way?
0:19: The kids, being dumb, decide to head down into the cellar, where they find taxidermied animals hung from the ceiling. The previous occupants seem to have hired Buffalo Bill from “Silence of the Lambs” as their decorator. They find a small package wrapped in a garbage bag and barbed wire. One of them proceeds to open it, because he is the worst person in the history of the world at taking a hint to STAY THE [BRIGHT BALLOONS] AWAY FROM THE BOOK OF THE DEAD.
0:22: Unwrapped, and whaddya know, it’s a book containing all sorts of evil spells and stuff. A handwritten note further warns them against speaking the words, but come on, if these kids didn’t get the hint from the barbed wire, anything else is just useless. And surprise, the very guy who reads the warning note reads the words anyway. Dumb [squirrel].
0:26: Several moments that will bring a smile to the face of old school “Evil Dead” fans, like a clock stopping and our first POV shot from the evil force roaming the woods.
0:30: Was that Sam Raimi’s classic car?
0:36: The evil force storms through the front door of the cabin, and the idiot guy who read aloud from the Book of the Dead that he was explicitly warned not to read, and came gift wrapped in freaking BARBED WIRE, has the nerve to look surprised. You [caramel corn mixed with cheese corn] tool.
0:40: One of the friends: “You’re all going to die tonight.” Well, I rather think that goes without saying.
0:45: “From the creators of the horror classic,” the title card says, “Evil lives again.” We get some flash images of characters recoiling in horror as the kid who read from the book talks about how he, uh, read from the book. No [Perry the Platypus], dude.
0:50: A few drops on a female characters head reveals it’s partly cloudy with a chance of blood outside the cabin. They really should have checked the Weather Channel for that before they came.
0:52: More flash images of miscellaneous horror shots leads up to the gruesome sight of one of the kids, now fully possessed, carving [a lovely Jack-o-Lantern]. Eww.
1:04: Another callback, as one of the women apparently has come down with a case of possessed hand. She’s holding an electric knife with her other arm, leading to the classic scene where she [reads a bedtime story before tucking herself in].
1:08: Giant machete out of nowhere. Wait, does Jason Voorhees make a cameo? I thought the Ash/Freddy/Jason crossover was just fanboy wishful thinking.
1:10: Chainsaw! There’s a chainsaw! And it sends [cake frosting] splattering all over the room.
1:12: We see trees begin to wrap around one of the female characters. Oh, my. That means the remake will actually feature the controversial scene where the trees [tell secrets to that nice lady and take a nap together]. Double eww.
1:15: Title card, followed by the image of one of the possessed kids taking a knife to her tongue and [singing "It's a Small World After All"]. Triple eww.
It’s clear this new version is taking the series back to its roots as a disturbing, gory shock-fest, while still paying homage to the classic moments that made the original series so memorable. The end result may — may — be one of those remakes that can stand on its own merits. We’ll see. But for now, color me — like the rest of the world — cautiously optimistic.