Halloween is once more upon us, and many still seem as undecided on costumes as they do on who they will soon be voting for, assuming they’re one of the few who vote at all. Have no fear however, because once again, the staff at Just Blowing Smoke has come up with a few last minute, inexpensive costume suggestions to help the unready to ready themselves, the undecided to decide and the uncommitted to be committed. If something seems wrong with that last sentence, wait until you read these costume suggestions.

Dress however you want and carry around a sleeping bag. When the door of homes you visit is answered, tell them you’re part of Occupy Wall Street and that you have no idea what you want, but that you want it now. If you don’t get it, you’re going to put your sleeping bag down on their porch and stay there until you do.

Wear a suit and tie to the front door of homes you visit. When it’s answered, break down in tears and tell them how proud of them you are, and that you really don’t want to ask any more of them … they’ve given enough already. Stifle the sniffle a bit, and then introduce yourself as Speaker of the House John Boehner.

Wear your Gollum suit from last year’s “Lord of the Rings” effort under a nice suit and tie. Add a pair of wire-rimmed glasses and when the front door is answered, refuse to do anything. When faced with a slamming of the door, tell them that you’re Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and that you won’t allow Republicans to stand in the way … or to get your precious.

Wear a shirt with a blue collar, and when the door is answered break out in a hearty rendition of “Look for the Union Label,” asking if the homeowner is a union member. If the answer is no, demand not a treat but nonmember dues, threatening to file a grievance if they are not delivered quickly. If the answer is instead yes, explain to them very quietly that you are a member of City Council appearing as a hard-working Toledoan. Tell them you wouldn’t be asking if the city’s financial situation wasn’t dire especially this close to an election — but could you please have back some of the inordinate amount of candy that you’ve been giving them for years.

When you’ve made your neighborhood rounds, return a second time to the non-union homes with a plastic bat in your hand. Tell these homeowners to give you more candy and to vote no on SB5 if they know what’s good for them, while either slapping the bat in your hand or writing scab on their porch in chalk.

Guys can pair up, wearing their best Sunday suits and going from door to door, carrying leaky buckets. When the door is answered, one should attempt to pour his bucket’s contents into that of his companion’s, spilling a bit. When asked, tell them that you’re Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke trying to fix the economy; then ask not only for your treat, but some additional ‘Stimulus’ water so that you can make it to your next stop.

Dress in well-worn clothes and carry a dunce cap as well as a trick-or-treat bag. When the door is answered, tell them that you’re Toledo Public Schools, and that you really don’t want anything right now, except their understanding for the marginal education you’ve long provided children in the district.

I couldn’t end this list without one that shouldn’t have made the cut in more ways than one. This one is for women (or men who like to cross-dress). Dress nicely and go from door to door begging for a handout. The trick, however, is that you can’t do it until Nov. 7 (one week after Halloween). When asked who you are and why you’re so late, tell them you’re Councilwoman Lindsay Webb, that it’s really not your fault you’re so late since you came by way of Ann Arbor and Detroit, and they shouldn’t be denied having a chance to give you candy now. While you’re begging, ask them if they’d vote for you tthe next day.

Finally, there’s the 2011 version of a longtime Toledo costume favorite. Take out your old “Downtown Toledo” costume (a sheet of plywood worn front and back), but this year painted with the Chinese ideogram for “Sold” on each side. When asked, tell them you are either a hopeful sign of economic recovery for Toledo, or the government’s attempt to balance the Chinese trade deficit by selling them the city a piece at a time.

Happy Halloween …

Tags: Halloween, Just Blowing Smoke, Lindsay Webb, SB 5, Tim Higgins

This entry was posted on Thursday, October 20th, 2011 at 11:40 am and is filed under Halloween, Just Blowing Smoke, Opinion.
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A CEO, a member of the Tea Party and a union member sit at a table with 12 cookies. The CEO takes 11 cookies, leans over to the Tea Party member and says, “Watch out, that union guy wants some of your cookie.”

It would be funny if it weren’t so damn true. As firefighters and union members, we want to set the record straight on a few myths about Senate Bill 5.

Myth: Binding arbitration is inherently evil

Thirty years ago, Toledo was crippled by a strike of its safety forces. This occurred when management and labor could not reach an agreement on pay and working conditions. From the ashes of that strike, a compromise was born. Safety forces agreed not to strike and the city agreed to submit disputes to binding arbitration.

The term “binding” applies to both sides, not just the city. Many arbitration decisions favor the city, they just don’t make news. The city’s economic status is always included as evidence in arbitrations regarding economic issues. Just because the city doesn’t always win does not make the system wrong.

With police and fire, there is a definitive need for a fair conflict resolution when it comes to safety issues, both for us in the workplace and for citizens. S.B.5 eliminates binding arbitration and replaces it with a system in which City Council replaces the arbitrator. That is not justice; it is like letting your in-laws decide your divorce settlement.

Myth: This legislation will not affect services

In 1960, 140 firefighters responded to 7,884 incidents. In 2010, 103 firefighters responded to more than 52,000 incidents. Motivated by increasing run volume and decreasing manpower, Toledo Fire launched a campaign to create safe and reasonable minimums for firefighters on duty each day. A minimum of 103 prevailed as the base safety manning. By every comparative standard, Toledo Fire has proven 103 is a necessity, not a luxury.

S.B. 5 arbitrarily eliminates safety minimums. This will affect service to citizens. Response times will increase, stations may close. Depending on run volume, your emergency may go on a wait list. Who would want to move here and raise a family, let alone invest and start a business with those problems?

Myth: It is unfair that public employees have pensions

Public workers have a pension system because they are not eligible for Social Security. Just as private employers and employees pay into Social Security, public employers and employees pay into pension funds.

About 20 years ago, the city approached us to start “picking up” our contribution to pension in an effort to stunt the growth of base pay. The percentage pick-up was in lieu of pay raises, the savings being the potential of cost not paid in salary if it had been added to base pay during the long term. For years, these employees agreed to forego pay increases at the city’s request, saving millions in the process.

S.B. 5 makes this practice illegal and voids already-bargained-for payments without compensation for the lost wages.

Myth: This is not an attack on unions or the middle class

If this is true, why does SB5 force 120 firefighters out of the union against their will? Under this law, any firefighter who is a lieutenant or above is forbidden from being in the bargaining unit. If such a person chooses to stay in the union, the bargaining unit is disqualified. What is the purpose of this provision, if not to weaken the union?

No one ever became a millionaire by fighting fires. We are by definition middle-class and this is an attack on us.

Myth: This is the mandate of the people

If this is the will of the people, why subvert democracy? While in Senate committee, both Republicans and Democrats were working to forge a compromise on S.B. 5. When two Republicans expressed concerns with the bill’s fairness, they were removed from the committee and replaced with two senators who quickly voted yes. One was our own Mark Wagoner. Wagoner apparently decided he only represents Republicans in the State Senate, not his entire constituency. Members of the House committee were also switched for the same reasons.

When Wall Street accepted tax dollars as bail-out money, it defended massive salaries and benefit packages. It was argued government shouldn’t set compensation ranges. S.B. 5 sets compensation ranges. It was also argued it was necessary to compensate people well to attract talent. Why does this logic not apply to those who teach our kids, fight our fires and keep our streets safe?

Wall Street types such as Gov. John Kasich argued that bonuses should be paid with bailout money because they negotiated for it and it was contractual. Honoring contracts is the basis of our economic system, they said. S.B. 5 creates a situation where what we bargained for in the past is taken away by law.

S.B. 5 is bad for firefighters and worse for Toledo. Erasing minimum manning will affect citizen safety. Fair and reasonable conflict resolution is necessary. The state should not be allowed to tear unions in half, nullify negotiated contracts and dictate to cities what it can negotiate with its safety forces.

Michael Nicely has been a firefighter for 19 years. He is a paramedic and certified in confined-space rescue. Tom Bartley has been a firefighter for 11 years. He is an EMT, registered nurse, rescue diver and is certified in confined space rescue.

Tags: Call to Duty, S.B. 5, SB 5, Senate Bill 5, Unions

This entry was posted on Friday, March 18th, 2011 at 7:58 am and is filed under Call to Duty, Opinion.
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