Altvater: Letters to SantaWritten by Fred Altvater | | BackNine@toledofreepress.com
It seems to the casual fan that professional golfers have a pretty sweet deal. They travel around the world, play golf at the best resorts, are treated like kings and win big checks. Pros wish for things from Santa, too.
I want to thank-you for those shiny new trophies you brought last year. I already had a Wanamaker, but if Tiger can have four, a second one is cool. The Claret Jug was especially great, it’s amazing how much better Guinness tastes coming out of it.
Anyway, I was thinking a wardrobe upgrade would be nice for next year. Could I start with a new Green Jacket?
I will leave a little something for you in the jug by the fireplace, if you know what I mean (Wink,Wink).
I know I was on the naughty list last year, but I am trying really hard to clean up my act this year. Paulina and her dad have shown me the error of my ways and I promise to be better.
I’ve had a few months of down time to think about what I wanted for Christmas this year and I do really appreciate what you have given me in the past.
I guess the only thing I don’t have is a major trophy. I’ve been really close a couple of times, but the darn things are not easy to capture.
So if you could help me close the deal and drop off a Green Jacket or Wanamaker Trophy this year, I would be so happy.
Oh and Paulina wants some jewelry, a new car, a Maserati, I believe. A new wardrobe, she’s gone up a couple of sizes since last year. You know, with the baby and all.
Well anyway, Thanks Santa, and I will try to be good this year.
Merry Christmas Santa,
I just wanted to drop you a note to thank-you for all the really neat stuff you brought last year.
It all just seems too much. Lexi won a major, Lydia won three times and earned $1.5 million in one week. Stacy and Inbee battled for the top spot all year, plus Michelle brought golf fans by the millions to watch our show. Television ratings went through the roof.
Thank-you for all of the great young talent you have already given us for next year. I’m sure Charley and Minjee will fit right in with the other girls.
With everything you have already brought, I really don’t need anything else. Maybe you can give more stuff to Timmy (Finchem), Mikey (Davis) and Teddy (Bishop).
I think Teddy especially could use some cheering up.
Thanks again, Santa and be careful out there on those slippery rooftops this year.
Ho, Ho, Ho, Santa and Merry Christmas,
Everyone said I was a bad boy last year, but I was completely misunderstood.
Calling little Ian a name wasn’t met as a sexist remark, it was meant to motivate him to do better in his job. You know, he hasn’t won anything of consequence for some time and I was just trying to help him man-up.
By the way, my buddy Tommy (Watson) has been feeling kind of down since the other kids started calling him names. If you could leave some really cool stuff under his tree, I’m sure it would help him feel better.
I know, I am on the naughty list this year and don’t expect much, but thanks for all really wonderful presents, you gave me the last couple of years.
Thank-you for those eight major championship trophies you gave me throughout my career. I really, really like each and every one, but five Claret Jugs was a bit much, don’t you think?
I would have gladly traded one or two of them for a Ryder Cup.
Speaking of Claret Jugs, you would have thought with my experience and motivational skills my team would have performed a little better at Gleneagles last September.
I’m surprised I didn’t receive a Christmas card from Phil this year.
Oh well, I’m sorry if I disappointed you and will try to do better next year.
Thanks for the jet, the mansion and a wonderful wife and kids. I probably don’t deserve everything you have given me in the past.
Maybe that’s why you didn’t give me very much last year.
I mean, I didn’t win a single thing and then Tommy was mean to me in Scotland. He wouldn’t let me play with all the other kids on Saturday.
Anyway, I showed him. He won’t do that to me again.
Santa since you didn’t give me very much last year, could you get me a U.S. Open Trophy this year?
I’ve already got three Green Jackets, a Wanamaker and a Claret Jug, but I could use that U.S. thing to complete the set.
I will be really, really good, I promise.
Thanks, your friend,
Eldrick here, thanks for all the stuff you have brought in the past.
I have so many trophies I had to build a great big house to hold it all. Do you know what it costs to hire security to keep all that stuff safe?
Thanks too for the creaky knees and sore back that needed surgery and kept me home most of the year.
The new contract with Hero MotoCorp was nice, that will come in handy when I pull the G6 up to the gas pump. Not all of us have a herd of reindeer to pull our sleighs around.
I have worked very hard to get healthy this year, Santa. If you could bring me five more major trophies, I would be so happy.
Merry Christmas & Happy Hanakkuh
Four top-five finishes was great in 2014, but really can I get just one major in 2015?
Did Rory really need two last year?
You outdid yourself again, Santa. I thought 2013 was a super year, but you put me back on top at the end of the year again this year.
I just can’t wait to see what you leave me for next year.
Thanks and Merry Christmas,
Fred Altvater offers golf tips and videos at www.toledoohiogolflessons.com. Email him at BackNine@toledofree press.com or follow him on Twitter @tolohgolfr.