When sexual desire fades for a woman, a question often arises. Could hormones be responsible? And if so, might a pill be available to remedy the problem?

The pharmaceutical industry has been searching for more than a decade for the holy grail of sexual medication, a female version of Viagra. The market for so-called “female sexual dysfunction” is estimated at $2 billon.

To be sure, the loss of sexual desire is widespread, with 23-52% of women reporting this problem. Clearly, many women want and need help as both personal distress and relationship upset is often significant.

And big pharmaceutical companies have tried like crazy to provide that help, though so far, to no avail.

The first “Female Viagra” drug flopped earlier this year, failing to increase desire for women. Now, many are still turning to testosterone supplements.

Although positive results for testosterone had been hyped, the supporting research had focused only on small subsets of women such as women whose ovaries had been removed while evidence of effectiveness remains inconclusive for women at large.

And the risks to women are significant. University of Pennsylvania researchers found that women with high testosterone levels are three times more likely to get heart disease that those with normal levels, and associations with increased breast cancer risk are still unclear. For those reasons, the FDA advisory committee unanimously denied approval back in 2004.

Yet these concerns have not stopped physicians from prescribing testosterone “off-label” (giving testosterone intended for men to women) to more than 1.8 million women with low desire. As CFO of BioSante (manufacturer of testosterone gel) Phil Donenberg told the Associated Press, “Doctors are willing to write prescriptions for testosterone off-label and women are willing to take it.”

Some have criticized the FDA denial for leaving women without needed care. But searching for care in the medicine cabinet may not be the most helpful place to start.

While future potential may exist to help a larger population with medication, there are many critical issues contributing to low sexual desire other than hormones. Too much focus on the chemistry involved may distract people from real underlying reasons that often account for most of the problem.

As a sex therapist specializing in helping clients turn low sex/low excitement relationships into fulfilling intimacy, I first look for reasons for loss of sexual desire that rarely have to do with hormones.

And I rarely meet a couple with desire problems in which at least one of these issues is not wrecking havoc.

A sense of obligation, exhaustion, feeling unappreciated, focus on performance rather than intimacy, and emotional disconnect, among others, are often responsible for obliterating feelings of sexual desire for women.

Our fast paced lifestyle encourages the idea that intimacy can be squeezed into leftover scraps of time. For example, common advice given to mothers with low libido says, “Use the baby’s nap time for a quickie!” Many men might say, “I’ll take it!” but it feels too mechanical for many women who crave time to relax, connect, and linger.

In other words, many women don’t simply lose sexual desire because their bodies fail them. More precisely, women lose sexual desire because the sexual relationship is occurring in a context that is not working for them.

But as I see with my clients, the desire for real intimacy is still very present. And I find that the majority of couples are fully able to experience a beautiful spark again once they know where to focus their energies.

Helping couples create an intimate lifestyle means reducing adherence to obligation and performance focused models of sex and instead broadening the palette for sensual connection. Creating an environment in which physical affection can flow freely without signaling sex creates more room for intimate touch that both people tend to deeply enjoy. And when couples learn skills to help them listen more closely and share feelings honestly, they feel intimately understood and connected, becoming better lovers throughout the relationship and in the bedroom.

For several quick ideas, please see, Toledo Free Press – Ways to keep the flame alive

Perhaps pharmaceutical companies will eventually develop a pill that helps when medical problems genuinely account for low libido.

But if real intimacy is the goal, then there is no need to wait.

Tags: Lori Hollander, Real Intimacy, Star

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 27th, 2011 at 12:16 pm and is filed under Real Intimacy, Star.
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‘Music and Myth’ covers Beatles track by track

Beatles fans got an early Christmas present this year when iTunes began offering the Fab Four’s entire catalog online. You are now able to pick and choose which classics you need to download to flesh out your collection. Now, for real fanatics, comes ”The Beatles, The Music And The Myth” (Omnibus Press, $14.95). Authors Peter Doggett and Patrick Humphries claim it is the “ultimate overview of the Beatles’ recordings,” covering the release of every album, track by track. The book is certainly that. Unfortunately, it is mostly just that, a listing of tracks with comments. It begins with  “Please Please  Me,”  The Beatles’ first full-length album from April 1963 and covers everything from that historic release to “Love,” the Cirque de Soleil production for the Las Vegas stage in 2006.

Any Beatles fan can tell you about the outcry over the meaning of “Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds,” which is included in this book, and that’s part of the problem with “The Beatles: The Music And The Myth”; there’s not much new for fans to discover while reading the short items on each song.  With more than 2,000 books about The Beatles available, it was bound to get to the point where there just wasn’t anything new to say. In fact, I believe every Beatles book ever written has pointed out that “Yesterday” was originally titled “Scrambled Eggs.” The songs have been reviewed, studied and parsed so often that in some cases you can only remember the critique and not the joy you felt when hearing them for the first time.  There are a few gems hidden in the book, like the surprise vocals near the end of “Paperback Writer,” but those are few and far between.  Even the photographs, which dot the 190 pages, seem too familiar. I swear I had some of them on the old collectable cards we all bought back in the day.

If you’re a true Beatles fanatic, put the book on your Christmas list just so you can brag to your friends that you have all the Beatles books. But if you’re looking for a gift for the Beatles fan in your life there are better options out there this Christmas season, including gift cards for iTunes. — Fred LeFebvre

(EDITOR’S NOTE: The following leter was received Dec. 8: “Authors Peter Doggett and Patrick Humphries claim it is the “ultimate overview of the Beatles’ recordings,” your reviewer says of the newly published ‘The Beatles: The Music and the Myth.’ As one of the ‘authors’ of this book, I can assure you that I claim nothing of the kind. This book is simply a repackaging of material that was written twenty years ago, and to which the publisher now holds the copyright, allowing them to reprint it as often as they like. The first I knew about the publication was when a friend told me it was in the shops. So I would like to suggest that anyone who wants to buy a book about the Beatles for the holiday season should look elsewhere – for example, at my own ‘You Never Give Me Your Money: The Beatles After The Breakup,’ published a few months back by HarperCollins. Best wishes, Peter Doggett, Fareham, England.”)

Book offers dawning of the ‘Dead’

The first time I came across the book  “All My Friends Are Dead” (Chronicle Books, $9.95), I immediately judged it by its cover. Being a comic strip artist, I was drawn to the simple and childlike illustration of the dinosaur on the front cover. The dinosaur’s expression is one of humorous surprise. It is drawn beautifully with thick, uneven lines and solid color. It reminded me of some of the children’s books I read growing up or have read to my own kids.

On each page are simple, cartoon-style illustrations of all kinds of characters that respond to the issue of mortality — namely the mortality of their friends of a like kind. We hear from everything from dinosaurs, trees, the elderly, socks, chickens, snowmen and more. And each have their own humorous quip on the subject of the inevitable.

The illustrations are wonderfully created, funny and complement the writing ideally. Yet, I didn’t necessarily find myself laughing out loud as did others who had commented on the various blogs I read after the fact.

To see if perhaps I had missed something, I shared the book with my wife to get her reaction. She has always been exceedingly honest and upfront with her opinion — which I can count on when it comes to my own work. I gave her little indication of my take on the book. Within a matter of seconds she was bursting out with a laugh here and a snicker there. It was the kind of laughter one tries to hold back because somewhere inside you wonder if it’s okay to be laughing at something that’s even mildly morbid. But there it was, the objective opinion I was looking for.

“All My Friends Are Dead” is not for everyone, especially children or those who lean away from dark humor. But its creators, Avery Monsen and Jory John, who write the “Open Letters” comic for Toledo Free Press Star, have developed a loyal and growing following. Many people on several blogs have indicated that they love this children’s book for adults, which is referred to as “both the saddest funny book and the funniest sad book you’ll ever read.” Some even going as far to say they are buying multiple copies to give as gifts to their friends … who obviously, are not dead. — Jeff Payden

‘Star Wars’ universe parsed in trio of new books

As the last traces of the “Star Wars” universe on film fade before a generation’s exposure to the animated “Clone Wars” television series, more attention is being paid to analyzing and chronicling the six-movie series.

Last year brought the epic 1,232-page “Complete Star Wars Encyclopedia,” which spanned three hardcover volumes, magnificently captured the minutia fans love, and was outdated by the time you unwrapped it, as the mythos grows with new “Star Wars” books, comics and TV episodes nearly every week.

This year, “Star Wars” fans will be happy with any or all of three new books that keep the hardcover collection growing.

For the fan of the visuals, “Star Wars Art: Visions” (Abrams, $40) offers 175 pages of stunning interpretations of all six films, from such master illustrators as H.R. Giger, Moebius, Alex Ross, Julie Bell and Boris Vallejo, Jamie Wyeth and 100 others. From cubist impressions of Boba Fett to an intimate look at Aayla Secura, the large-format spreads offer new and progressive interpretations of pop culture’s most familiar sci-fi/fantasy characters.

If you are limited to choosing one of these books this season with your gift card, “Visions” is the one.

“Star Wars: Year by Year, a Visual Chronicle” by Ryder Windham and a number of LucasFilm experts (DK Publishing, $50), is the ultimate argument-settling source. By placing the entire “Star Wars” experience in day-by-day context, from creator George Lucas’ birth in 1944 to the December 2010 release of the book “The Sounds of Star Wars,” the series is at once elevated to its important place in film and pop culture history and relegated to its proper place as entertainment alongside historical events ranging from the Iranian hostage crisis to the earthquake in Haiti.

There are enough facts, myth-buster factoids and never-before-seen illustrations to keep a “Star Wars” fan reading until the book is undoubtedly updated.

For the tech geek on your shopping list, “The Sounds of Star Wars” (Chronicle Books, $40) offers an inside look at how Academy Award winner Ben Burtt created the distinctive and endless sound effects for the films. Darth Vader’s breathing was a variation of Burtt hissing through scuba gear; the Millennium Falcon’s whoosh comes from World War II-era racing planes.

The book comes with an external speaker, a headphone jack and 250 recorded sounds from the movies. It’s interesting from a tech standpoint, but lacks the visceral and trivial thrills of  “Visions” and “Year by Year.”

For the fan who no longer collects “Star Wars” action figures but still keeps them safely tucked away in the attic or basement, any or all of these books will keep The Force going strong well into 2011. — Michael S. Miller

Cookbooks stir up mixed batch of recipes

At first glance, Sandra Lee’s “semi-homemade” recipes may seem like taking normal convenience foods and just doctoring them up. If you look a bit deeper into her two latest cookbooks, you’ll find more than that.

“Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade: The Complete Cookbook” (Wiley, $29.95) says it contains “1,001 easy everyday recipes for ‘the way we cook today’.” But a beginning cook, when trying to make the “Mint Meringue Kisses,” found that the egg whites were not stiff enough, and the end result was “Mint Meringue Discs.”

The “Chocolate-Butterscotch S’mores” turned out just as they looked in the cookbook and tasted great.

Pasta is a favorite in our house, but the “Mexican Style Macaroni and Cheese” was a disappointment since it was basically boxed Kraft Mac and Cheese cooked then tossed in the oven to melt additional cheese; the additional oven time made it over-cooked. The “Four-Cheese Macaroni” was closer to a scratch recipe and is one that will be made again.

“Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade: Comfort Food” cookbook (Wiley, $19.95) is “149 feel good favorites.”  The “Ravioli Lasagna” was tested twice, once in the slow cooker as the recipe called for and once in a regular oven. I’d recommend making it in the oven, the slow cooker made the ravioli almost too soft.

“Slow-Cooked Greek Chicken” is a recommended slow cooker recipe, with or without the olives. It was good over both orzo and rice.

The additional information in “The Complete Cookbook” is handy. There are diagrams showing how to set a table for different types of dinners and some decorating ideas that we used for Thanksgiving.

I’d recommend either cookbook for someone just starting out cooking or for someone who might want to try some different recipes that do not require a high level of cooking skill. — Aubrey Birukow

An all-business look at Christmas

At first glance, Bruce Kluger and David Slavin’s “Twas the Night Before Christmas, 21st Century Edition” (Andrews McMeel Publishing, $9.99) appeared to be a fun, well-illustrated, lighthearted Christmas book. Though clearly meant more for the 21-and-over crowd, the book looked ripe to be a conversation piece on the coffee table this holiday season. One would expect a quick, easy read with a few laughs.

Unfortunately, that’s not quite what Kluger and Slavin supply with their satire on Christmas and big business.

This book, which appears to be little more than a thick magazine, is much more time-consuming than anticipated. The illustrations, of which there are many, actually slow the reader down considerably as most require time for study and interpretation. Many illustrations are fictitious memos sent within this polar enterprise, which are extremely monotonous.

However, many of the laughs to be had from this book (which are surprisingly infrequent) actually come from these distractions, rather than the story itself, which is told in rhyme, keeping with the tradition of the original children’s story.

To their credit, Slavin and Kluger have produced a surprisingly plausible representation of big business, especially merger/acquisition activity common on Wall Street. Of course, the story, of a nephew scheming to seize the North Pole from Santa Claus, is somewhat exaggerated.

This does little to help the fact that, as a piece of coffee table literature, this book is a less-than-stellar choice. With language that is inappropriate to print here and several questionable illustrations – the coup de grace being an extremely suggestive mock cover of Maxim Magazine featuring Mrs. Claus’’ face plastered on the body of a scantily clad model — make this material definitely unsuitable for younger eyes.

Those with no small children and $10 to spare might enjoy this book, given a preference for crude jokes and political incorrectness. — Dock David Treece

Book ‘translates’ rap lyrics

“Understand Rap: Explanations of Confusing Rap Lyrics You and Your Grandma Can Understand” by William Buckholz  (Abrams Image, $12.95) is a fun read and a guaranteed conversation starter. While there are no racial overtones to be found, reading what a rapper has written then reading what it means to the ‘un-hip’ takes great advantage of cultural dialogue differences.

Despite being limited in size, this book is certainly worth the 20 minutes or so of read time, and potential hours of re-read time. Without a doubt, the sterile, clinical explanations of the rap lyrics are the best part of the book. Imagine Wilfred Brimley explaining to you what Notorious B.I.G. meant when he said “Get Swiss-cheesed-up” and you’ll start to get an idea of what this book is like.

Compartmentalized into topics such as money, drugs and alcohol, insults, cars, sex and relationships, crime and weapons, fashion, skills and pride, people and places, “Understand Rap” covers the most popular topics found in rap music.

While this paperback is an extension of understandrap.com, created by Buckholz, it is limited in scope. The focus on popular rap lyrics omits explanations from some of the biggest rappers, rap groups and hall-of-fame-worthy artists. Sadly, there were no explanations for any Talib Kweli or Scarface bars; Bun B and Cypress Hill are missing and there is no mention of Kid Cudi or Drake rhymes.

The book is a great stocking stuffer for music fans. The dry humor found in the textbook tone of the explanations are only funny if you can picture grandma explaining what Lil’ Wayne meant when he spouted “I’m comin’ with a gun like Nintendo.” — Mighty Wyte

Book offers encyclopedic overview of ‘Lost’

Who is the smoke monster? What is the incident? What is the island? What do the hieroglyphics mean? From the simple to the existential, “LOST Encyclopedia” (DK Publishing, $45) has the answers.

The compendium of facts and mythology from the hit ABC show aims to be a guide to all the details and characters. It succeeds and is the perfect gift for any Lostie or even the casual fan.

Co-authors Paul Terry and Tara Bennett worked tirelessly to compile the 400-page encyclopedia from A to Z — Aaron Littleton to Zoe.

“‘LOST Encyclopedia’ was by far the most consuming project I’ve ever done,” Bennett said in a recent interview with Toledo Free Press Star. “It was a lot of work.”

Bennett, who has already written 12 books, spent 10 months working on “LOST Encyclopedia.” A typical book would take about three to four months to complete, she said.

Both authors worked together for five and a half years on LOST: The Official Magazine. Executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse, both of whom wrote the foreword, liked the idea of an encyclopedia, and something that would focus on the mythology, Bennett said. They asked Terry if he wanted to work on the book, and he then asked Bennett if she wanted to join him.

“When you’re writing the mythology, it’s huge,” Bennett said. “Paul and I had to shed every bias and really align our writing to what the show’s opinion was. Our point of view was their point of view.”

“LOST Encyclopedia” was created in collaboration with ABC and is the first and only official comprehensive guide to the show. More than 1,500 photos, including maps and artifacts from the show, are used throughout the book. For example, the blast door map and charts of the island provide insight and a closer look at fleeting moments from the show. Graphics include Sawyer’s nickname hall of fame and Desmond’s back and forth timeline.

“We researched the heck out of this,” Bennett said. “We wanted to get it right.”

The authors wrote the smallest entries first and worked their way up to the largest entries, which include main characters like Jack Shephard and John Locke, Bennett said. They started working on the book in November of 2009, before Season 6 began in January of 2010. They finished the book in August, she said.

“It was grinding, but (Terry) was the best cheerleader and partner,” she said. “We knew we had to have a higher standard and we wanted to deliver to the fandom.”

Mission accomplished. — James A. Molnar

British music journalist Paul Lester explains why the woman named Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta deserves her own biography: She’s driven the world completely gaga.

He writes in the book “Looking For Fame: The Life of a Pop Princess” (Omnibus, $17.95), about the loads of work and failure that went into making the woman also known as Lady Gaga.

The book is a perfect gift for any Gaga fanatic. It showcases her artistic motives and rise to fame, while also giving a glimpse into her dark, drug-filled past.

Lester’s easy-to-read biography is full of fun facts like how Gaga was taught at the same New York City private school that Paris and Nicky Hilton attended. The book also reveals that she came up with her stage name with a fellow producer after the Queen song “Radio Ga Ga.”

But the book’s most gripping chapter, “Dance in the Dark,” gives a detailed account of her days experimenting with various drugs. In this chapter, Lester describes what Gaga calls her “coke years,” before her friends and family intervened. Lester quotes Gaga calling it “one of the most difficult times,” but also said they were pivotal for her to experience since it allowed her to become the star she is today.

“Looking For Fame” has a British twist. According to the book, Gaga was more famous overseas when she first began her career. The main sources Lester cites are British tabloids and newspapers, as well as the BBC program “Friday Night with Jonathan Ross.”

The book explains the birth of her “disco stick” (a term made famous in her song “LoveGame”) and the meanings behind many of her off-the-wall outfits. It also gives a perfect description of the Haus of Gaga, the team of artists who help plan her performances.

Any Gaga fan would find enjoyment within the pages of this book. The chapter names being Gaga references like “The Fame,” “Boys Boys Boys” and “So Happy I Could Die,” give a treat that only the truest fans can appreciate.

One interesting fact the book points out is even though she’s only recorded one full-length album and an eight-track EP, the Lady has already changed pop music. — Matt Liasse

Book offers sex tips from Rock stars

“I walk around assuming that people I’m interested in would not be interested in me,” says Danko Jones, one of 23 rockers interviewed for the book, “Sex Tips from Rock Stars” (Omnibus, $19.95)

Like Jones, musicians interviewed were remarkably willing to share opinions (and vulnerabilities) in response to questions posed by author Paul Miles. The format, fully comprised of direct quotes, worked well, allowing the reader inside access to this personal conversation.

Stars such as Andrew W.K., Jimmy Ashhurst of Buckcherry, Lemmy of Motorhead and Bruce Kulick of Kiss join two dozen other rockers in contributing to the book.

“Sex Tips from Rock Stars” aims to give you access into the sexual world of rock stars, to serve as an entertaining “sex manual.” Miles’ explains that celebrity status attracts people who are “primed to please” (i.e. groupies) giving rockers a “sexual world that others can only dream about,” the reason he believes that detailing their sex lives will serve as “self-help” for readers.

But as a professional sex therapist, I must point out that (unless you only seek one-night stands) a partner with the sole mission of pleasing you is not likely to ensure deep sexual satisfaction.

In fact, it usually ensures the opposite.

In my sex therapy practice, when a man reports low sexual satisfaction, quite frequently his partner has been engaging sexually to please him rather desiring to connect sexually with him.  But he doesn’t want favors in his relationship. He wants to be wanted.

Further, excessive focus on pleasing a partner distracts a woman from experiencing her sensation and emotion in the moment, the most common underlying reason when sex in a relationship feels like a “chore” rather than desirable.

And if sex is a chore for a woman, then no one is happy.

But then again, if many (many) raunchy details of a rocker’s life sound appealing, this book will make you happy.

And down in the detail are nuggets for better intimacy, too.

Amidst questions regarding breast enhancement and rare fetishes, rocker Chip Z’Nuff offers sound advice, “Spend quality time … that’s what we all want. You see an old couple out there and they are holding hands and hanging out together, that’s what everybody wants if you think about it.”

“Sex Tips from Rock Stars” aims to be “part rock biography … and part self-help.” Regarding rock biography, this book delivers, oozing with private details generously shared by these rockers.

But if you want effective sexual self-help, then I recommend you grab a copy of Paul Joannides’ expertly written, lively, respectful, and informative, “The Guide to Getting it On.” — Lori Hollander

Tags: All My Friends Are Dead, Aubrey Birukow, Avery Monsen, Dock David Treece, Fred LeFebvre, James A. Molnar, Jory John, Lady Gaga, Lori Hollander, Lost Encycolpedia, Michael S. Miller, Mighty Wyte, Omnibus Press, Real Intimacy, Sandra Lee, Sex Tips from Rock Stars, Star Wars, The Beatles, Twas the Night Before Christmas 21st Century Edition, Understand Rap

This entry was posted on Tuesday, December 7th, 2010 at 12:40 pm and is filed under Books, Featured, Gift Guide, Star.
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The number of couples who sleep apart has been increasing. Once considered unusual, this set-up is now reported by nearly 25% of couples, according to the National Sleep Foundation.

Sleep researchers point to the biological components involved. Studies find approximately six nightly awakenings caused by a partner and serious tension arising from a “lark” living with an “owl.” Of course, problems ensuing from snoring, blanket stealing, and midnight kicking come with the territory.

For these reasons, the National Association of Home Builders estimates that close to two thirds of custom-built houses will have two master bedrooms by 2015. Really? Really.

According to Simon Crompton in the The (London)Times, “In a 24/7 world where sleep is increasingly precious, single beds may represent the future.”

But many deeply cherish cozy pillow talk before drifting off, the warmth of one another’s skin during sleep, and the sight of their partner’s face first thing in the morning. Stolen blankets and midnight awakenings are well worth it for many.

So if sleep challenges arise, is finding your own bedroom the only way to resolve it?

If each partner genuinely wants to sleep apart, then discussing sleeping problems openly and chooses a plan together is essential. Cuddling up and lingering over conversation before retreating to individual bedrooms works for many. By infusing extra energy into their relationship, where they sleep may matter less for these couples.

But for many others, sleeping separately signals deeper relationship problems that need attention. And separate beds may bury the problem rather than solve it.

While a whopping 25% of couples sleep apart, the reality is that only a portion of those couples truly enjoy it.

In my clinical practice I have found that for many couples, sleeping separately was not a joint decision. And for many more, it was not intentional, either. For example, if a month of late studying and sleeping downstairs somehow morphed into years, it is likely that unspoken feelings began running the show.

In other words, when a strong underlying source of relationship tension leaves one partner feeling backed into a corner, a separate bedroom may seem like the only way out.

But when that partner stops coming to bed, the other person is often left with feelings of rejection and hopelessness.

In an effort to avoid initiating what may seem like an ugly conversation, many hope that time will bring change. Unfortunately, however, these patterns tend to cement the longer they are left alone.

But here is the good news. If you can get to the core of the matter successfully, these situations are easier to turn around than they look.

Here are several highly effective ways to start uncovering the most common underlying problems.

1. Start in the middle

If you are sleeping apart, try planning three nights weekly to sleeping together. The knowledge that certain nights are still reserved for alone time can make time together take on a different feeling practically overnight (pun intended).

2. Eliminate common “under the radar” obstacles

A highly underreported problem involves touch, too much touch, that is. One may squeeze a partner lovingly, but the recipient (usually a woman) may feel, ahem, “groped,” potentially disrupting her from unwinding and relaxing before sleep. Simply touching differently can create more room to relax together rather than apart.

3. Clear the air between you

Often, sleeping apart has more to do with what occurs outside the bedroom, a symptom of emotional distance taking a toll. If so, listening (much) more, paying extra compliments, and criticizing less often inspire desire to cuddle later.

4. Don’t overlook the little things

If snoring is severe, an advanced sound machine combined with old fashioned ear plugs may be essential. Don’t fight over blankets when individual ones are an option. And consider a king size bed for room to curl up together plus room to stretch out later.

5. Reevaluate every few months

Knowing that any new plan is not permanent instills freedom to experiment. And that freedom gives people more room to try and try again to find what works rather than settling for what doesn’t.

In sum, turning toward your partner rather than turning away, whether from a separate or shared bed, is vital for a future full of real intimacy.

Lori Hollander, MSW, MBA, is a couples and sex therapist for the Center for Real Intimacy, 3365 Washtenaw Ave, Suite 208, Ann Arbor, MI 48104

Tags: Lori Hollander, Real Intimacy, Star

This entry was posted on Thursday, November 11th, 2010 at 10:30 am and is filed under Real Intimacy, Star.
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Money problems are commonly regarded as one of largest stressors in a relationship. It is easy to imagine how the threat of foreclosure, drained savings or income reductions can amplify a spat by epic proportions.

When a couple finds themselves with no choice but to make significant budget cuts, the tension can ripple across a relationship. Often, those tensions quickly translate into resentful feelings toward the partner or feelings of guilt and failure directed inward.

No doubt, a tough economy is not easy on a relationship.

Yet, a lack of money is not the actual reason for most relationship problems.

The real culprit is how you deal with money as a team of two: are you teammates sharing the same game plan or are you each playing by a different set of rules?

Even when money is plentiful, overlooking the “we” in your financial relationship creates a cost too steep. In fact, divorce lawyer and writer, Wendy Jaffe, notes that wealthy couples often divorce because of financial problems.

But here is the good news. Regardless of income level, you have everything you need to whip your relationship into excellent financial shape if you make the time. Doesn’t sound like a romantic way to spend your night? Hmmm, maybe not. But a sound and trusting financial connection boosts your relationship intimacy. Romantic, indeed.

Here is how to improve your intimacy (financially).

1. Get playful (with the numbers)

Many people slip into unnecessary arguments simply because one or both parties don’t have the full picture.

Mark and Mira needed money to prevent a foreclosure. Mark wanted to borrow against their retirement, but Mira felt risking their financial future was irresponsible.

Was it possible to protect their financial future and protect their home?

Getting playful with the numbers allowed them to consider the actual possibilities together rather than resort to slinging opposing opinions at each other.

And according to the numbers, if they borrow against their retirement and then commit to make monthly payments for several years thereafter, their financial situation will improve. The numbers are worth a thousand unhappy words – averted.

2. Jump in

When a money issue becomes prickly, your partner’s push-back may appear like an all-or-nothing stance. Feeling forced into an opposing corner may trigger you to say white to your partner’s black.

This pattern often sparks feelings of loneliness in a relationship.

For example, when Jane needed a new car, she began eyeing a new, red one. Jim could not believe she would utter such words when their income was stretched thin already.

He could barely resist outlining the sizable flaws around her spending ideas, but he didn’t want the coldness that ensues after these arguments. Instead, he diffused the situation by digging below her expressed interest to find common ground.

“What if I search with you until we find a used car that is very red and very shiny?”

His jumping in with support made his used car idea sounded worthy of careful consideration rather than a fast dismissal.

3. Pass the ball

Often, one partner has more financial aptitude (or pays bills punctually). But if one partner takes full control financially, risks of “financial infidelity” increase.

Some financial experts report that a partner may feel more inclined to short-circuit the system (for example, use secret credit cards) if that partner has no say. Also, if finances suffer a storm, it is easy to blame the driver for the accident.

Following an 80/20 rule, the financially inclined partner takes no more than 80% of the responsibility your finances. The partner with 20% must sign off on major decisions or initiate an alternative plan.

Pass the ball and you become a team sharing responsibility and trust.

4. Bare all

Elliot didn’t think it was a big deal that he under-reported the costs of his various purchases. And Joy “forgot” to mention a loan she never paid off from years before they met. But keeping a financial secret from your partner is akin to misleading intentionally. And that is akin to, ahem, lying.

And lying is never romantic. But playing on the same team, becoming more open, and building trust throughout your relationship is.

Lori Hollander, MSW, MBA, is a couples and sex therapist for the Center for Real Intimacy, 3365 Washtenaw Ave, Suite 208, Ann Arbor, MI 48104

www.RealIntimacy.com

Tags: Lori Hollander, Real Intimacy

This entry was posted on Tuesday, September 28th, 2010 at 9:12 am and is filed under Real Intimacy, Star.
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Some couples ride off into the sunset while others grow apart or fall apart.

Falling in love is easy. But it can be just as easy for those feelings to slip away before you know it, often when you are not looking.

And no matter where you look, there is no way to avoid that overblown, ugly statistic claiming, “Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce.” The nasty implication, of course, is that your relationship’s chances of survival are reduced to the chances of winning a coin toss.

Don’t believe the hype (or the statistic).

Negative prophecies can become self fulfilling prophecies. “What’s the point of working through a relationship crisis if divorce remains a threat no matter what?”

As it turns out, that common 50% divorce statistic is misleading.

In fact, there has been a 27% decline in the number of divorces per 1000 marriages since 1979. Only marriages that occurred in the seventies were ever at the all time high risk of 48% while marriages from subsequent decades have reduced divorces rates, between 30 and 40%. In reality, marital stability has actually been growing with each decade.

Better, you say, but those odds are still not ideal. Agreed.

So how you can increase your chances of beating your (now better) odds?

Let’s start with an analogy.  A music student might wonder about her odds of becoming a world class performer.

The difference between musicians who become world class performers and those who became school teachers, as Malcolm Gladwell wrote in Outliers, was the number of hours dedicated to practice. The world class performers each practiced an accumulated 10,000 hours compared to the 3,000 hours devoted by each music teacher.

This fascinating finding unveils the otherwise mysterious force that determines who gets to play on the world stage and who does not. Quite simply, those who practiced (and practiced and practiced) excelled beyond those who just practiced.

And from this pattern we might infer a lesson about the mysteries of lasting love.

Just like the ability to play a complicated concerto on stage (effortlessly!) requires a daily devotion to the music day in and day out, sweet loving feelings are only meaningful if loving actions consistently follow suit.

The common assumption that love is a feeling is a misconception. In fact, love is an action.

After all, thinking about your violin all day won’t advance your professional music career. But devoting yourself to practice will.

By all means, keep expressing your love for your partner like you mean it.  But more important, mean it like you say it by acting upon it. Here’s how.

1. Make your effort count

Love your partner not in the ways that make you feel loved but in the ways that make your partner feel loved.

For example, Jim said he was already trying to love Judy with his actions by trying snuggle, but he felt she was not receptive. When I asked him what makes him feel most loved, he said, “When Judy snuggles up against me, I love it.”

Doing more of the action he wished she would do for him is the natural inclination, but (unfortunately) it doesn’t work.

The essential question is, “What makes Judy feel most loved?” It turns out she likes when Jim asks about her day and listens well. And once he began doing that, she felt more loved (and more inclined to snuggle with him).

By loving her differently (rather than working harder at what is not working ) he is loving her more.

1. Get a 5:1 “magic ratio”

Here is a true statistic: A couple with a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (five friendly or loving interactions for every critical or hostile one) significantly increases their chances of lasting love.

In long term studies, researchers have identified the 5:1 “magic ratio” as a major difference between “very satisfied” couples who remain married compared to couples who report dissatisfaction and/or divorce.

Sound like a lot of praising for your tastes? If so, take heed. Couples who exceed that ratio report even higher levels of happiness.

In other words, no need to let any statistics dictate your future.  Instead, start taking action to fulfill the prophecy that brings you more love.

Lori Hollander, MSW, MBA, is a couples and sex therapist for the Center for Real Intimacy, 3365 Washtenaw Ave, Suite 208, Ann Arbor, MI 48104

www.RealIntimacy.com

Tags: Lori Hollander, Real Intimacy

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 31st, 2010 at 9:08 am and is filed under Real Intimacy, Star.
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When a woman loses desire for sexual intimacy, there is a lot of talk about why. Commonly cited is that she isn’t trying, her hormones have betrayed her, or worse, she is labeled, “frigid.”

Yet there is silence about one of the most common underlying reasons for loss of desire: pain.

It has been estimated that 16-18% of women in the US have experienced chronic lower genital tract discomfort for at least three consecutive months. That means a whopping 14 million women will experience such pain during their lifetime, making sexual intercourse uncomfortable at best and extraordinarily painful at worst.

Of course, real intimacy is about experiencing meaningful connection and deeply pleasurable touch with the person you love. It’s not supposed to hurt.

“Not even a little?” asked a new client, eyes wide.  It should not hurt even a smidge.

But when it does, real intimacy is at stake.

If vulvodunia is causing burning, a woman may put a stop to feeling anything during sexual intimacy in an effort “to get through it.” Yet meaningful sexual intimacy is about feeling deeply, and feeling more —  not less.

It goes without saying that this hidden issue underscores a loss of sexual desire for many women. And often worse than the physical pain is the emotional distress and fear that the relationship could be destroyed due to this issue.

Unfortunately for women with vulvodynia, routine medical exams commonly pronounce everything, “normal.” And an astonishing number of women have been (horrendously) advised by medical professionals, “Have a glass of wine and get on with it.”  Of course, such ill advice leaves women feeling crazy and, understandably, less inclined to discuss the problem again.

Adding insult to injury, the misguided implication that “it’s all in her head” encourages her partner to believe that she is trying to avoid intimacy altogether when, in fact, she is just trying to avoid pain.

University of Michigan physician and internationally known leader in this field, Dr. Hope Haefner, explains that vulvodynia is “often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed.”

More important, Dr. Haefner points out, a failure to diagnose properly results in a failure to treat.

That so many women are untreated or mistreated for this illness is a sin because the pain resulting from vulvodynia can be successfully managed with proper care.

Where do you start if you are suffering with this issue? Here are my recommendations.

• Consult a gynecologist who specializes in vulvodynia or “vulvar disease.”  Many women have seen more than 10 doctors before seeking out a vulvar pain specialist who (finally!) identified the issue successfully.
• Answer the following question, “On a scale from 1-10, how much pain do you feel?” Share this number with your partner.

Jane told me that she felt “just a little bit of discomfort.” But when I asked her to use the above scale, she responded, “Well, I suppose if child birth was a 10, what I feel is about a 9.” In other words, like the vast majority of women with this issue, she downplays the level of discomfort involved. But quantifying the experience helps paint an accurate picture.

A woman’s partner may be left feeling rejected or less connected without knowing why. And in the majority of cases, partners have been shocked (and deeply upset) to learn that significant pain has been involved. Yet partners are usually immensely supportive once they get the full story.

• Even with the best care, this issue will take months to resolve. Find a sex therapist in your area who can help you rebuild both your emotional and physical intimacy in a safe way.
• Visit the National Vulvodynia Association (www.nva.com) for additional information
• A commitment to focus on non-genital touch is critical when dealing with vulvodynia (until vulvodynia pain is resolved).  Stop doing anything that burns or hurts in favor of anything that doesn’t.  If a woman can count on being pain free, then she can relax. And if she can relax, she can focus on intimate touch, intense eye gazing, and caressing with her partner that feels truly delicious to both.

And that leads to intimacy in which she can be deeply present with her partner, fully open to experiencing a deep and loving connection.

Lori Hollander is a dual-certified couples and sex therapist at the Center for Intimacy in Ann Arbor. E-mail her at star@toledofreepress.com.

Tags: Lori Hollander, Real Intimacy, vulvodynia

This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 17th, 2010 at 8:09 am and is filed under Real Intimacy, Star.
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Gifts are intended to be a celebration of your partner’s love for you, but many women say those gifts are sometimes, ahem, just a tad disappointing (or a downright let down).

Anyone who loves a woman has certainly sweat it out at some point while trying to track down that perfect gift.

But despite these efforts, a surprising number of women say they are profoundly let down by their partners’ gift giving patterns. Gifts are part of a couple’s love language, and a disappointing gift can leave a woman wondering if her partner really knows her at all, a lonely feeling.

Consider Renee’s experience. Her husband has proudly bought her a fancy floral dress for each of the last 8 years to wear out to their anniversary dinner. The unfortunate part is that she hates floral dresses, and she feels silly wearing one.

Instead of enjoying him during their anniversary dinner, she finds herself ruminating over the fact that he misunderstands her, again.

The hidden danger is that such repeated let downs slowly discolor other aspects of the relationship.

How does such a pattern develop?

Some women say it is because their partner never (ever) listens or doesn’t care enough to figure out her preferences.

But there might be more to it.

Perhaps it is because Renee has taught her partner to keep buying her that disappointing gift.

After all, Renee’s partner is not stupid. There is a good reason why he has been buying these dresses for almost a decade. And that reason may have a little something to do with Renee.

Like many women, especially those of the very caring variety, Renee takes pride in acting with kindness, often putting others’ feelings first.

The last thing she wants is to appear an ungrateful sourpuss, especially when presented with a gift. But if she were honest with herself (and her partner), the last thing she wants at this point is another floral print dress.

When said dress arrives, she is not helping her cause by painting on a smile, exclaiming, “I love it, how nice!” and then proceeding to wear the dreaded gift. Her actions communicate that the gift was perfect.

Which we know it was not. So why does she find it hard to break this pattern, even once she recognizes her own role?

In my practice, the pattern that I often see involves a mix of wishful thinking (“Maybe the next holiday will be different if I’m nice about it this time”) combined with a belief that she “shouldn’t have to” tell her partner what she likes after many years together.

But real intimacy thrives on sharing your true self as you grow. And if you don’t share your inner feelings and longings with your partner, then intimacy will dwindle.

And a would-be blip regarding a dress might transform into eight years of disappointing gifts, a lonely let down.

Once stuck in this pattern, how can you be upfront about this delicate topic in a nice way, especially in the uncomfortable moment you receive your equivalent of Renee’s floral print dress?

1. Start by expressing appreciation of your partner’s intentions

For example, “I appreciate that you always remember to get me a gift.”

2. Stop the resentment

If you are able to enjoy the night without resentment, then wait to discuss until a neutral time later. But if your night will be ruined by mounting resentment, then address the situation immediately.

3. Own up

Be honest that the gift giving department is not feeling good for you. Point out your responsibility in allowing the problem to fester by having kept those feelings to yourself until now.

4. Share your vision of wonderful

Tell your partner in concrete terms what a fabulous gift would look like in your eyes. Be specific. For example, “I would love a gift certificate to my favorite boutique to enjoy while you watch the kids.”

Renee’s husband wished she had shared sooner, but he was relieved. Now he knows why she had been distant. Even more, he is looking forward to finding her gifts that she will actually relish.

Setting up your partner to win rather than flop when it comes to your love is, perhaps, the most meaningful gift of all.

Lori Hollander is a dual-certified couples and sex therapist at the Center for Intimacy in Ann Arbor. E-mail her at star@toledofreepress.com.

Tags: Lori Hollander, Real Intimacy

This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 6th, 2010 at 7:03 am and is filed under Real Intimacy, Star.
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