Higgins: Halloween costume ideasWritten by Tim Higgins | | firstname.lastname@example.org
Halloween is almost upon us, but there’s still plenty of time to choose a costume.
For those of you who remain “costume-challenged” for this all-important masquerade, we here at “Just Blowing Smoke” have once again come up with our annual list of politically-oriented (and politically incorrect) suggestions that could make you the hit of your neighborhood — or at least a source for public ridicule on Facebook and YouTube.
- Dress however you want and trick-or-treat all houses in the neighborhood whether the invitational porch light is on or not. When the door is answered, demand to know who owns the house and who holds the mortgage. If answers aren’t immediately forthcoming, threaten court action, then demand candy while asking whether they know who you are and if you’ve ever said anything bad about them. Just before they justifiably tell you to go away and slam the door in your face, inform them that you are the Toledo Blade.
- Walk around with a whiteboard and marker. When the homeowner answers, scribble $48,000,000 on that board, then draw a line through it and angrily tell them this numbers obviously isn’t right. (You can seem to speak to an invisible friend named Carty at your shoulder who apparently agrees with you for added effect.) When they sadly pat you on the head, give you candy and send you away, tell them you’re Toledo mayoral candidate D. Michael Collins.
- Wear a Toledo Mud Hens or Walleye jersey and trick-or-treat in any part of the city you want. Sure, it may not seem like much of a costume at first glance, but there’s no doubt you’ll meet with a smile, a warm reception and all the treats you can carry away.
- Wear a poster with a picture of a stoplight on your chest and another with a camera on your back. Carry a pad of paper in your hand and after greeting the homeowner with the traditional “trick-or-treat,” ask them if they’d like one last revenue-generating citation before you’re finally run out of the state for good.
- Wear a poster board that looks like a certain unnamed tabloid newspaper and attach a number of blue ribbons to it (five would be an absolute minimum). When asked, tell them that you are the best weekly newspaper in the state of Ohio, the award-winning Toledo Free Press. It’s likely you’ll be warmly received and generously rewarded.
- Place some orange cones on your driveway and install a flimsy gate across the sidewalk leading to your front door with a broken lock and a newly painted “Closed” sign hanging from it. However, leave you porch light on to encourage participants to push past these feeble barriers. When revelers ring the bell and say “trick-or-treat,” tell them they shouldn’t be there, but give them candy anyway. If asked about this apparently contradictory behavior, tell them you’re the National Park Service.
- Wear a nice suit and trick-or-treat from door to door while weeping and mumbling logically contradictory statements on the state of the nation and laws that should be passed as if nobody is listening (they won’t be). When asked, wipe a tear from your eye and stammer “God bless America,” before telling them you are Speaker of the House John Boehner.
- Trick-or-treat from door to door, carrying either a recently minted dog turd or freshly filled diaper to sniff right before the door is answered. When residents note your pinched, rather constipated expression and ask about your costume, tell them you are Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and refuse to accept any candy they offer you.
- Wear a piece of poster board on your chest with the neatly printed words: “We are experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by” as you walk your neighborhood route. When asked, tell them that you are the “Affordable Healthcare Website,” take their candy and apologize for not being able to give them anything in return, requesting they try again later before moving on.
- Trick-or-treat from door to door spouting the most wild, illogical and even insane beliefs about the news at the top of your voice, making sure to periodically blame Republicans as the cause of the world’s ills. When asked, tell them you’re a show host for MSNBC.
- Trick-or-treat the neighborhood and give the normal greeting when the door is answered. When homeowners attempt to speak, however, interrupt their attempts to do so as foolish while disparagingly insisting that you know best and are only taking their candy “for the folks.” You will, of course, be masquerading as Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and should be ashamed of yourself for providing him even that much attention.
- Refuse to dress up, trick-or-treat or decorate your house for Halloween, but buy a bunch of candy and leave your porch light on to encourage neighborhood participation in the festivities. When trick-or-treaters arrive, smile and engage them pleasantly, but refuse to give them any of the clearly visible candy you possess. When asked about this apparent contradiction, tell them you’re a member of Congress and your intention is to keep all the goodies for yourself.