Higgins: Santa is coming…bewareWritten by Tim Higgins | | firstname.lastname@example.org
The second most important begging holiday of the year is now over, and while many might still wish to linger a moment longer to savor the self-indulgent experience of the immaturity, masquerading and self-serving avarice that defines Election Day, it’s time to move on. It’s time instead to focus on that most important bit of holiday greed on Capitalism’s calender. I’m talking of course about Christmas, the next and largest holiday of the year.
But let’s examine a little more carefully the timeworn myth behind the man we’ve so attached ourselves and this holiday to. After all, the very future of the national retail economy has placed itself at the mercy of a festival led by a mythical figure who, seen by today’s more jaded perspective, is little more than an out-of-shape senior citizen who hasn’t shaved in decades and apparently lives in the throes of a “cookies and milk” eating disorder.
Not forgetting the current depredations the NSA, our fanciful hero is a single-minded recluse who hides himself away in one of the most remote locations on the planet and spends an inordinate amount of time and technology scrutinizing the day-to-day activities of children. Shockingly, he maintains permanent records of such information that he regularly reviews (well, at least twice) in yet-to-be-discovered journals that, if ever uncovered, will likely be used as key evidence in trials for child endangerment, if not pedophilia.
This fabled polar reprobate, who claims to run a completely nonprofit organization, can nevertheless afford to send look-a-likes out to, of all places, shopping malls in order to garner further intelligence on his youthful (dare we say) victims. Meanwhile, he in turn spends 364 days per year isolated in his northern bunker and only leaves that lair on just a single day (probably to avoid prosecution), during which he somehow manages during this all-too-limited time period to visit (a scary thought if true) every house on the planet.
The rest of the year, he hunkers down with a height-challenged, pseudo-child, live-in workforce, easily identified by ear shape abnormalities that are rumored to be part of some twisted secret eugenics program. There they labor daily under conditions that would likely get this secretive mogul a spot on the UN’s “Ten Most Wanted List” for running a sweat shop by even the worst of Third World standards.
So successful has this legend become in suppressing information about his organization however, that no one really knows whether this whimsical cult leader’s motives are the altruistic ones long advertised, or if his shadow corporation has simply managed to outwit even the IRS (who’s been admittedly distracted lately by investigating conservative groups).
One of the few confirmed redeeming features in this storied effort however (and perhaps the reason why he seems to escape so much government scrutiny), is his promotion of “green technology” by doing without internal combustion transportation (except for parade floats on Thanksgiving). PETA, though largely indifferent to the treatment of his “human” staff, has exhibited a great many concerns about the indigenous caribou herds that he apparently maintains as an alternative. Little is understood of his use of these reindeer, as they’re more commonly known, though rumors persist of experimentation through exposure to the cosmic radiation of the Northern Lights that may well have led to previously undiscovered species mutation.
It’s all so sad really. Much of the terror associated with the coming holiday season probably could have been avoided with just a bit more character creativity on the part of holiday promoters. Perhaps we should all blame Marvel Comics.
Stan Lee may be a bright enough guy to get a cameo in each one of the movies featuring his comic book characters, but even he never managed to come up with one that could really capture the potential commercial hype or merchandising potential of Thanksgiving (let alone an alternative for Christmas), relieving some of the holiday retail pressure.
Perhaps we could have had a Super Pilgrim, whose hat technology lifted him off the ground as he took on villains with his “super-blunderbuss.” He could have fought for social justice (and seconds) with a turkey sidekick whose terrifying microwave accident mutated him so that now he could not only fly along with his partner, but fire off his tail feather display like cruise missiles.
OK, most of this is going to need some work. I suppose that we’re left to face this year’s holiday challenges and depredations with little more than someone of a somewhat sad and vaguely creepy nature, whose calorically-challenged appearance and dubious reputation are just what we need to inspire us to holiday excess.