Higgins: Conservative Christmas listWritten by Tim Higgins | | email@example.com
With both the election and Thanksgiving long over, and with even the leftover goodies have been disposed of by now, it’s time once again for the nation’s focus to shift beyond politics and gorging ourselves on turkey, stuffing, and political rhetoric. It’s time to set up the tree, hang the lights, and turn our attention to a calorie-challenged guy with a white beard. Apparently some of you out there think that it’s me rather than the guy with the reindeer farm and the red suit. (No Federal laws were violated in this effort, nor were any Postal Inspectors harmed in this effort.)
This is not to say that I blame anyone, as the resemblance is sometimes striking; though he’s more often depicted with a pipe rather than a cigar. Nevertheless the Christmas lists keep pouring in; and there are times when my curiosity gets the better of me and I read a few. Of course I have a slightly more twisted version of the ‘naughty and nice list’, and I cannot help but pen my own recommendations into the margins before passing them on.
I don’t know whether my scribblings will make any difference, nor do I think sharing some of them will hurt anything. In the hopes of trying to keep some of the identities secret, I attempt to reach a consensus in the requests I share with you to produce a list that might at least be mildly entertaining. Those that I’m sharing this week are a number of wishes coming from those of the Conservative persuasion; which I will of course put in the form of one of those letters I have mistakenly received.
I know that I’m an evil Conservative and according to some should be permanently placed on your naughty list. I would like to point out however that like many of my fellows, I am one of those conservatives who is more generous than my progressive counterparts. I also always attempt to be fair in my criticism of other, regardless of political ideology.
In the hopes therefore that I have earned at least a shot at the nice list, I am sending you this list of gifts for Christmas:
- A presidential candidate who is conservative more often than when he’s trying to win the Republican primary. This whole thing with these “I’m next” candidates is killing me. And since it seems you have to run for four years in order to serve for four, I’d like him now please.
- A government that believes that stops believing that it can balance its checkbook by taking more of anybody’s money instead of spending less of it. I know that everybody likes presents, but I would think that by now you’re getting pretty tired of government attempting to usurp your position, and year round too.
- I’d like a Congress where Conservatives could debate important issues without being called idiotic, obstinate, and stupid (among the more polite insults) by a group of people who, after doing so, complain that we’re being mean.
- I’d like the Senate to pass a nation budget at least once in the second term of the President. I know that in sports, having a guaranteed contract for six years can make you lazy and uncaring about your job performance; but one budget every six years or so wouldn’t be asking too much, would it?
- I’d like the US Constitution to be more than a booklet handed out by Conservative groups. Back when they still taught US history, I learned a lot about it, and how it was a brilliantly original concept of government and one of the greatest legal documents ever created. It would be nice if that were taught again.
- I know that this is a tough one, but I would like to have you replace the personal entitlement in so many hearts these days with personal responsibility. I know life is pretty tough these days, but it might be easier if as many as could took responsibility for themselves so that we could more clearly see those who really need the help.
Listen, I know that most of these gifts will benefit other people than me as well (even liberals), but that’s OK with me as long as you can see your way to helping out on a couple of them. After all, you’ve done pretty well by me over the years anyway, so there’s certainly no reason why I can’t wish for others. Besides, as a not-so-tiny Tim friend of mine likes to quote from his literary predecessor in “A Christmas Carol”: “God bless us, every one”.
Next week, I hope to have a rather special list for you, one with a compilation of wishes with rather more of a local focus (and less anonymity). While I have already forwarded all of them to the North Pole, I have to admit that I made some notes in the margins on some of these as well.