Halloween Costumes 2012Written by Tim Higgins | | firstname.lastname@example.org
Halloween is almost upon us once again, with just barely time to pull together a costume if you haven’t already. For those of you who are once again unable to make this all-important choice, I have a few politically-oriented suggestions that might make it easier for you to become the hit of your neighborhood, or at least a walking campaign advertisement.
Wear a business suit, your hair in some disarray, and carry a chair with you from house to house; saying trick or treat to the empty chair when the door is answered. Follow this up with a disparaging comment or two to the chair, occasionally listening as if it were answering. There’s little reason to believe that your Clint Eastwood costume won’t be recognized rather quickly. For bonus points however, you ask for a treat for your friend in the chair in the name of fairness.
Wear a suit and a mask of the President and carry a sheet of lexan (plastic) about the size of a sheet of paper. When the door is answered, pretend to read ‘Trick or Treat’ off of the plastic before telling the homeowners that you would like your candy without further debate, as such things haven’t been working out well for you lately. Then ask if they’ve seen Clint Eastwood with your chair anywhere.
Walk your neighborhood with a shoe in your mouth (smaller ones are easier to carry). When the door is answered, reply with the best garbled version of ‘Trick or Treat’ you can manage. When they try and ask you what your costume is, laugh and interrupt the question. Continue doing so until they give you the treat and send you on your way. Eventually they will realize you are portraying VP Joe Biden.
Do not put on a costume. Do not go Trick or Treating. In fact, don’t even show up anywhere in NW Ohio for Halloween or any other day. If by some quirk of fate, anybody spots you and asks why they haven’t seen you in a while, just tell them that you’re Joe the Plumber, and this is your rather bizarre method of campaigning.
Create an artist’s rendering of one of those big checks on the Publisher’s Clearing House commercials. Have it drawing on “The Bank of the American Taxpayer” and have it made out to “Some of the American Taxpayers”. (The amount isn’t really important unless you’re trying to impress the homes you stop at.) When asked after ‘Trick or Treating’, tell them that you are some of their tax money being returned to them and ask if they’ve seen Marcy Kaptur around, your late for an appearance with her.
Put on your costume, but do your Trick or Treating a week late. When asked, tell them that you’re City Council person Lindsay Webb. When homeowners point out you’re a bit late in your effort, tell them that this might be the case, but that you’re still substantially compliant.
Wear anything you like and walk the streets making sure that all the other Trick or Treaters see you out there, but don’t actually do any Trick or Treating yourself. If asked, tell them you are City Councilman D Michael Collins. You can go on to tell them (at great length, with a hint of mystery, and in stentorian tones) that you were going to Trick or Treat, but didn’t get the cooperation (or media exposure) from the Mayor’s office that you thought you were going to, and have now decided against it.
Wear anything you like and make your neighborhood tour with your candy bag and a digital recorder with a microphone. When the door is answered, shove the microphone in their face and tell them to speak clearly. When asked who you are and what you’re doing, tell them you Phil Copeland and you’re running for County Recorder, telling them: “This is what Recorders do, isn’t it?”
Get an old suit and tear it in a couple of places, then put it on over a shirt that’s likewise torn and dirty. Rub some dirt on you face and have someone darken your eyes and put a little fake blood on it that’s clearly visible. When asked on your neighborhood tour, tell them that you’re City Councilman Stephen Steel, and you just got back from attempting to publicly challenge Mayor Mike Bell on city management pay ranges and campaign finance promises.
Have the local Kinkos / FedEx store reproduce the front and back page of a Toledo Free Press in a Poster size. Attach them to the plywood sheets that you’ve previously used for your downtown Toledo building costume. Then attach four blue ribbons to the front page. When asked, tell them that you’re the best damn newspaper in town, and have the awards to prove it.
Wear a really baggy set of clothes for your Halloween begging circuit. When asked, tell them that you are TFP Editor-In-Chief Michael Miller (the Incredible Shrinking Man) and that you don’t really want the candy anyway. Then shamble slowly away while desperately trying to hold up your pants.