Family Practice: Fifteen shades of spoiler alertWritten by Shannon Szyperski | | firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m a big pop culture fan. Although I don’t love each individual offering pop culture has to give, I do love at least knowing what is out there making the rounds.
Not being a fiction reader and certainly not being a BDSM (I’ll let you look it up if you’re not familiar with the term) fiction reader, I was less than intrigued by the quick ascent of E.L. James’ “Fifty Shades of Grey.”
As I became one of the seemingly few women who didn’t yet understand the torturously intriguing ways of Christian Grey, the burden of not knowing simply grew too heavy for one woman to bear. Of all the women I know who have read it — and the club is quite large — not one seemed willing to give me a play-by-play. I was left with only one choice.
That’s right; I read it. I’m not really changed for the better or worse because of reading it, but I did find it interesting. So many questions asked, some eventually answered and some not. In fact, I was left with so many questions that I just might need to read the next two books in the trilogy. I’m sure the author intended it that way. My most burning questions and observations include:
1. Are there really people who can’t help but bite their lip repeatedly throughout the day?
2. If your breathing “hitches” that frequently, shouldn’t you consult a pulmonologist or something?
3. Is there any possibility that after the three books are read by 92 percent of the female American population that the U.S. will finally acknowledge once and for all that “grey” is the rightful spelling?
4. Is there such a thing as gray eyes and how in the world do they darken based on mood? Sounds like there might be a demon involved or something.
5. Why is there so much everyday (i.e., outside of the bedroom) gasping, especially by a man? I bet I’ve heard my husband gasp two times tops in the 16 years I’ve known him and I’m certain both times had to do with one of our children falling off of something.
6. How in the world does a 2011 college graduate who is going into publishing neither own nor desire her own computer?
7. Is “laters” really an expression?
8. Is there any possibility, any whatsoever, that a 22-year-old woman would opt to wear a ponytail on a first date? Would she opt to wear pigtails …ever? I don’t even recall the last time I saw a child wearing them.
9. Is there any likelihood that a straight, childless 26-year-old billionaire CEO would know how to braid hair?
10. Do 20-somethings know who Bruce Springsteen is?
11. Did James really “put pen to paper” as the author description claims? Does she not own a computer either?
12. Why would a character be so constantly opposed to being touched when he is being touched in some capacity on nearly every other page of the book?
13. Are “my sex” and “there” appropriate (i.e., not lame) terms for a grown woman to be calling her lady parts? Seems lame.
14. Does anyone else agree that detailed descriptions of wine and food and multiple references to Audi don’t add all that much to the story and only prolong the unraveling of Mr. Grey? I suppose it is supposed to be a torturous novel.
15. You all realize that the perfect, wish-he-were-mine guy you’re clamoring over is both a fictional character dreamed up by a woman and seriously messed up? Right? Just checking.
I know, I know. Read the other books.
Shannon and her husband, Michael, are raising three children in Sylvania. Email her at email@example.com.