McGinnis: God admits: ‘I don’t care about football’Written by Jeff McGinnis | | firstname.lastname@example.org
In a stunning exclusive interview with Toledo Free Press, God admitted to being completely disinterested in the career of quarterback Tim Tebow.
“I gotta be honest, I really don’t care about football,” God said. “Seriously, everyone, just calm down. It’s just a game. Why would I want to interfere in some meaningless sport where who wins or loses doesn’t effect the universe at all? I mean, I’ve got planets to keep moving and gravity to monitor and stuff.”
The Almighty’s surprising admission flies in the face of many observers, who viewed the openly religious Tebow giving symbolic thanks on the field — a gesture that has become commonly known as “Tebowing” — and assumed that the Lord had, at the very least, a rooting interest in the Denver quarterback.
“Not at all,” God insisted. “Honestly, it’s been years since I even watched a football game. I mean, I have other stuff to do on Sundays, after all. I can’t very well take time from my busy schedule to pay attention to every single little game people are playing. Anyway, I like curling better. Do you like curling? I like curling.”
On Jan. 14, the Broncos’ season came to an end after they were soundly beaten by the New England Patriots, 45-10. Many observers were stunned by this turn of events, given the presence of the man many had been viewing as Denver’s (almost literal) savior. But God said that He was not very …
“I’d prefer to be referred to as She, if you don’t mind,” God stated. “Well, I mean, if you want to get technical I’m really above all such classifications, aren’t I? I mean, for Me’s sake, I’m supposed to be the Alpha and the Omega, I’m the supernatural creator of the universe, so I’m not really male or female, right?
“But if you have to use a pronoun somewhere in the story, I’d much rather be referred to as She. I mean, you know, the whole Mother Earth, creating life thing — it just seems to fit. Plus, I like to throw a monkey wrench into people’s perceptions of things every now and again. It helps to shake up the status quo sometimes, you know, just to put the fear of Me in them.”
Fair enough. God said that She was not concerned with influencing sporting events — or, indeed, most any human endeavor.
“Really, I thought I had spelled out the whole ‘free will’ thing pretty well,” God said. “People really give Me way too much credit when it comes to some things. I mean, you guys do a lot of great stuff on your own, you know. You don’t need to thank Me for every single event that goes well for you.”
God sighed. “Not that I don’t like the attention, of course. I mean, it’s cool to get some nice media coverage for once — usually reporters only ask for interviews when that Fred Phelps guy is doing stupid crap. I mean, Medammit, dude, just stop. But seriously, it just gets ridiculous sometimes, how many silly things people wanna say I did.”
Not that God holds a grudge against Tebow or anything.
“Look, Tim’s a nice guy. Does a lot of good things in his community, has inspired people. Great stuff. I just wish he’d take some more credit for the good work he does — on the field and off. That goes for a lot of people, though.
“I wish people would understand that they have control over their own lives, their own destiny. It’s not Me changing every little thing — people can change what they do and how they do it. That’s the beauty of life. I wish folks would feel more proud of the things they accomplished — and understand that they did it themselves. That way they won’t end up feeling like I’ve let them down when something happens that I don’t have any say in.”
As for the immediate future, God said She has plenty of things on Her plate to keep Her occupied in the coming year.
“Yeah, I’ll be real busy,” God said. “No, no, no, the world isn’t ending — why do I have to keep telling folks that? But I’ll be working hard to get Pluto reclassified as a planet again. I always liked that little guy. I’m trying to convince Pat Robertson that whoever he’s talking to, it ain’t Me. Actually, Pat hasn’t talked to Me in decades. Lately, I’ve been having these fascinating conversations with Christopher Hitchens. I swear, that guy’s such a great debater, he even has me convinced that I don’t exist.”
Note: The preceding column was a parody, and I feel sad that the state of national irony is such that I have to actually spell that out.
Jeff McGinnis is Toledo Free Press Star Pop Culture Editor. Email him at PopGoesJeff@gmail.com. Listen for his pop culture reports Tuesdays at 9 a.m. on “The Morning Rush” on 92.5 KISS-FM.