Higgins: 2011 Halloween costumesWritten by Tim Higgins | | firstname.lastname@example.org
Halloween is once more upon us, and many still seem as undecided on costumes as they do on who they will soon be voting for, assuming they’re one of the few who vote at all. Have no fear however, because once again, the staff at Just Blowing Smoke has come up with a few last minute, inexpensive costume suggestions to help the unready to ready themselves, the undecided to decide and the uncommitted to be committed. If something seems wrong with that last sentence, wait until you read these costume suggestions.
Dress however you want and carry around a sleeping bag. When the door of homes you visit is answered, tell them you’re part of Occupy Wall Street and that you have no idea what you want, but that you want it now. If you don’t get it, you’re going to put your sleeping bag down on their porch and stay there until you do.
Wear a suit and tie to the front door of homes you visit. When it’s answered, break down in tears and tell them how proud of them you are, and that you really don’t want to ask any more of them … they’ve given enough already. Stifle the sniffle a bit, and then introduce yourself as Speaker of the House John Boehner.
Wear your Gollum suit from last year’s “Lord of the Rings” effort under a nice suit and tie. Add a pair of wire-rimmed glasses and when the front door is answered, refuse to do anything. When faced with a slamming of the door, tell them that you’re Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, and that you won’t allow Republicans to stand in the way … or to get your precious.
Wear a shirt with a blue collar, and when the door is answered break out in a hearty rendition of “Look for the Union Label,” asking if the homeowner is a union member. If the answer is no, demand not a treat but nonmember dues, threatening to file a grievance if they are not delivered quickly. If the answer is instead yes, explain to them very quietly that you are a member of City Council appearing as a hard-working Toledoan. Tell them you wouldn’t be asking if the city’s financial situation wasn’t dire especially this close to an election — but could you please have back some of the inordinate amount of candy that you’ve been giving them for years.
When you’ve made your neighborhood rounds, return a second time to the non-union homes with a plastic bat in your hand. Tell these homeowners to give you more candy and to vote no on SB5 if they know what’s good for them, while either slapping the bat in your hand or writing scab on their porch in chalk.
Guys can pair up, wearing their best Sunday suits and going from door to door, carrying leaky buckets. When the door is answered, one should attempt to pour his bucket’s contents into that of his companion’s, spilling a bit. When asked, tell them that you’re Secretary of the Treasury Tim Geithner and Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke trying to fix the economy; then ask not only for your treat, but some additional ‘Stimulus’ water so that you can make it to your next stop.
Dress in well-worn clothes and carry a dunce cap as well as a trick-or-treat bag. When the door is answered, tell them that you’re Toledo Public Schools, and that you really don’t want anything right now, except their understanding for the marginal education you’ve long provided children in the district.
I couldn’t end this list without one that shouldn’t have made the cut in more ways than one. This one is for women (or men who like to cross-dress). Dress nicely and go from door to door begging for a handout. The trick, however, is that you can’t do it until Nov. 7 (one week after Halloween). When asked who you are and why you’re so late, tell them you’re Councilwoman Lindsay Webb, that it’s really not your fault you’re so late since you came by way of Ann Arbor and Detroit, and they shouldn’t be denied having a chance to give you candy now. While you’re begging, ask them if they’d vote for you tthe next day.
Finally, there’s the 2011 version of a longtime Toledo costume favorite. Take out your old “Downtown Toledo” costume (a sheet of plywood worn front and back), but this year painted with the Chinese ideogram for “Sold” on each side. When asked, tell them you are either a hopeful sign of economic recovery for Toledo, or the government’s attempt to balance the Chinese trade deficit by selling them the city a piece at a time.
Happy Halloween …