Dear Jack, Elaine and Lucy,
I was looking at some of our favorite pictures and going through some of your favorite things. I know it breaks your little hearts when you see me cry, but I just can’t help it. This is one of those times when I realize the depth and the wonder of all of the days we’ve had so far together and it overwhelms me with emotion.
At first I feel a little sad. I see your little hospital bracelets and I remember how unbelievably tiny each of you once was. I look at how big the three of you are now, two of you almost too big to carry across a room, and I can’t help but be bewildered by how we went from four pounds to 40 pounds in what seems like half a moment. In one way it feels as though we just met, yet in another it makes no sense that my life was ever able to exist without you in it.
You have allowed me to grasp this world with a renewed and profound respect. I thought I knew how much my own parents loved me, but in truth I had no idea until I held you in my arms. In fact, I thought I knew all kinds of things until you came to me and we started over from the beginning. This world becomes a much richer, more interesting, more important and more magnificent place every time I see it through your fresh and wide-open eyes.
I don’t mean to imply that each day has been a magical journey of increasingly wonderful and epic proportion. Actually, most of it hasn’t felt like that at all. There have been more days of fear, frustration, chaos and uncertainty than I care to admit. There have been more moments of annoyance than there have been of awe.
Being your mom is by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I’m not always very good at it. I yell more than I should. I complain more than I should. I don’t let things go that I should. And I let some things go that I shouldn’t.
Parenting is a tricky balancing act, just like most everything else in life, and I struggle with it every day. I struggle to help you make your dreams come true without spoiling you in the process. I struggle to show you what you’re worth without lessening anyone else. I struggle to point you in any one direction not knowing for certain if it’s really right for you or not. I struggle to teach you the fairest way to go through life when I know without a doubt that life won’t always have the common decency to treat you fairly in return.
As much as I often feel like your beautiful childhood is slipping by too quickly, I also know that we still have a long way to go. I think of all of the things I went through from the time I was your age to where I am now, and I realize that I have no power to deter all of the confusion and the disappointment and the heartache that awaits you. Yet, I swear all of the defeat you will experience in life really will allow you to appreciate and make sense of the victory. I just hope I have the patience and the wisdom to convince you of such truth as we labor through it together.
I assure you there will be plenty of victories, though it will be your living virtuously that I will value most. The greatest accomplishment I can hope to achieve in my own life is fulfilling my obligation to do right by you. As much as I realize the mistakes I have made and will continue to make along the way, my entire life will be worthwhile if I simply succeed in sending you out into the world with the tools and the desire to live as a decent human being. My one specific wish for you is that you go through life with your head held high, not out of conceit but out of integrity and confidence.
I want you to know that there is one thing I have never struggled with. I have unconditionally loved you since the day I first fathomed your existence and that will never change. You have given me more inspiration, insight, happiness and love in a few years than I expected from a lifetime, and I can’t imagine ever feeling any luckier. With as much as we’ve already shared, it’s amazing to realize that this is only the beginning. As I look back, I am also looking forward to continuing to watch you grow and shine as you carve your own paths and build your own families. When you hold your own children, I’m sure you will be able to better understand and recognize my tears as tears of joy.
Love always,
Mommy
Shannon and her husband Michael are raising three children in Sylvania. E-mail her at letters@toledofreepress.com.