McGinnis: Other horoscope changesWritten by Jeff McGinnis | | firstname.lastname@example.org
Many have coolly received the news of the massive changes hitting the world’s horoscope pages with the advent of a new sign, Ophiuchus, and the shifting of all previous dates on the calendar. I, rather, see it as a good first step. Far too long, the horoscopes of America’s newspapers have been antiquated. It’s time to change them up for a new century. Below, I present a modest proposal for other ways to modify the remaining symbols, and make them more relatable to modern audiences.
- Old sign: Aquarius (Feb. 16-March 11). Right away, the astrological signs show their age. Aquarius? Really? How ’60s. The “dawning of the age of Aquarius” was more than a half century ago, for Pete’s sake. Live in the now, astrology. Let’s see, if the old sign was a buzzword for the hippies, we need to come up with something that’s even more relevant to today’s kids.
- New sign: iTunes
- Old sign: Pisces (March 11-April 18). This presents the perfect opportunity to embrace one of the most lucrative trends in modern marketing: Naming rights. If sports stadiums can get away with it, why not the horoscope page? And who’s gonna miss Pisces, anyway? It’s a fish! Who wants their birth to be commemorated by the Incredible Mr. Limpit? But people would kick themselves if they weren’t born under …
- New sign: Reese’s Pisces
- Old sign: Aries (April 18-May 13). Not bad. One letter away from the original God of War. But to kids today, Ares is as dead as Elvis in an Edsel. So, let’s upgrade to a new God of War, shall we?
- New Sign: Kratos
- Old sign: Taurus (May 13-June 21). Again, decent. A bull is pretty hardcore already. But also deadly plain, and let’s be honest, there are more intimidating things out there. We need something hard-nosed and powerful, while at the same time big and impractical.
- New sign: Hummer
- Old sign: Gemini (June 21-July 20). Let’s leave behind the American Gladiator jokes and focus on the “twins” aspect. There has to be a better way to sum up identical siblings in the mind of John Q. Public.
- New sign: Olson
- Old sign: Cancer (July 20-August 10). Well, that’s just depressing. Who was the marketing genius who approved putting the most deadly disease known to man among the birth signs? There has to be a less … fatalistic … affliction we can use here.
- New sign: Tourette’s
- Old sign: Leo (August 10-Sept. 16). This change would come with the full support of the Disney corporation, and they’d really appreciate if the horoscope could include a mention of “The Lion King” whenever the road show comes to town.
- New sign: Mufasa
- Old sign: Virgo (Sept. 16-Oct. 30). The maiden. Rwrr. We need something that screams beautiful and desirable, while also intelligent and talented enough to be nominated for multiple awards. A girl next door with a PhD, if you will.
- New sign: Portman
- Old sign: Libra (Oct. 30-Nov. 23). Ugh, too politically biased. How long have the horoscopes been leftist? In the interest of equal time, this change can’t come soon enough. The sign can be an amalgamation of Glenn Beck and an elephant. (Rush Limbaugh, in other words.)
- New sign: Conservata
- Old sign: Scorpio (Nov. 23-Nov. 29). Wait — only six days? Really? Why are we even talking about it? How did a sign only six days long sneak past committee? Still, if it must exist, we might as well dedicate it to something else small and insignificant.
- New sign: Ferrari Owner’s Junk
- Old sign: Sagittarius (Dec. 17-Jan. 20). The archer. On the surface, we could just give this one to Robin Hood and be done with it, but Russell Crowe kinda killed him dead this past summer. Besides, arrows are far more badass when they have explosives attached to them.
- New sign: Rambo
- Old sign: Capricorn (Jan 20-Feb. 16). Seriously? A goat? We waste a whole sign on an animal whose primary characteristic is their willingness to eat anything? You might as well name it after me. I say we aim for the youth demographic, instead.
- New sign: Dora the Explorer
- And as for the most recently announced sign …Ophiuchus? Bwa? Who can relate to that, let alone pronounce it? I say it’s immediately replaced with …
- New sign: Morpheus (Nov. 29-Dec. 17). “You take the blue pill, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe about the planets and stars influencing your life. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland and I show you that you need a better hobby.”
E-mail Jeff at PopGoesJeff@gmail.com.