Christiaanse: Tips for politiciansWritten by Jenifer Christiaanse | | firstname.lastname@example.org
After a busy day at work, it’s rush, rush, rush to get home. Yes! Messages on my answering machine. “Hello, this is Rich Iott … ” Beep!
“Hello. I’m calling on behalf of …” Bleep! Bleep!
I saunter to the mailbox, stumbling over the yard signs, to find it is chock full of postcards, envelopes and contribution appeals. More political refuse! There are four eligible voters in my house. It seems as if the green-talking environmentalist candidates are the worst offenders at clogging my mailbox with their appeals — times four.
Wanting to chillax, I turn on the television. The politicians continue their assault, invading my house, my sanctuary. And we still have almost three weeks to go; it is laughable if they think I’ll contribute to more robo calls, more postcards, and more commercials. Not now, not never!
The real irony is that the bragging of the experienced incumbents centers on their record of securing funds for bridges, rescuing the auto industry, and stabilizing Wall Street with, not their money, but with my earnings. I’ll proudly say that my IQ exceeds my daily earnings, and I’m not voting for anyone who wants to increase his or her grip on my handbag. And I’m mad as Carty that the incumbents are blithely spending my children’s future earnings as well!
Oddly enough, I like politics. I watch all the debates. I read the magazines and the newspapers. I try to be informed. I understand why Marcy Kaptur is desperate to continue living in her posh condo in D.C. instead of coming back to her childhood bungalow with those old cars. Desperate times have apparently called for desperate measures: a review of her opponent’s costumes. I think I understand that Wall Street is for bad guys and good guys live on Main Street. So here are some voting tips from the politically informed:
n If the ad goes from black and white to living color as a beautiful family cavorts across a green lawn, vote for the picket fence and the dog.
- If The Blade endorses the candidate, vote for the other guy.
- If the mailbox paper trail from any candidate outweighs the Yellow Pages, don’t vote for that candidate.
- If the candidate has been in office as long as you have been married (or more), it’s time to vote for a fresh face.
- If the candidate has inch-long white hair roots while debating Rob Portman on television, vote against his hairdresser and send him some Just For Men.
- If the candidate is using her high school senior picture from 20 years ago, don’t be shocked by reality.
- Beware of any thespian candidates who played roles other than tooth fairies and princes (In case you ever run for office, avoid all pirate costumes, vampire attire, or witch garb this Halloween).
- If the candidate hasn’t bought a car in the past 10 years, it doesn’t matter if they bought foreign or domestic, they just aren’t helping the UAW or the economy.
- If Mr. Cordray says that he is fighting human trafficking, but Toledo is known as the top city for human trafficking in the nation, don’t re-elect!
- Mark Schauer knows some really angry senior citizens. If those very angry people are Schauer fans, I’d vote for Mr. Walberg if I could.
Don’t be bamboozled by 11th hour promises or character assassinations. Ignore politicians touring factories in hard hats. Look at their records. And just this once I agree with Nancy Pelosi. It’s time to drain the swamp and throw the bums out.
And one last tip — those yard signs can be turned inside out to announce your next garage sale so you can pay your taxes.
Would the simpleton who stole my Rich Iott signs please grow up?
E-mail Jenifer Christiaanse at email@example.com.