Despicable themWritten by Michael Miller | Editor in Chief | firstname.lastname@example.org
To clarify an element of last week’s column, “Breaking ties,” it should be noted that Mayor Mike Bell’s tie-breaking vote on Toledo City Council’s dubious resolution condemning Arizona’s immigration policy will not pass or fail the resolution. Bell’s vote will determine which Council committee will control the fate of the resolution, which in the end, is the same decision. If the resolution lands with D. Michael Collins’ Public Safety, Law & Criminal Justice committee, it will likely never see the light of day. If it lands with Steve Steel’s Youth, Parks, Recreation & Community Relations committee, it will likely be passed. Bell knows this and has been placed in the unenviable spot of having to spend time and energy on an ultimately meaningless bit of political pandering while the city screams for fiscal attention.
I have tremendous respect for a number of the individuals on Council, but observing the body as a whole act is often like watching my 2-year-old son learning to pull on his underpants; it’s funny at first, but as the vaudeville intensifies, sympathy sets in and it becomes humane to step in and help.
In that spirit, since Council has time to squander on issues that are far more rhetorical than practical, here are suggestions for other topics it could spend hours debating.
The LeBron James Resolution: “Whereas, the City of Cleveland, which is ruled by a form of county government strongly coveted by a contingent of a few ‘local’ yentas, has suffered from the defection of NBA player LeBron James; and whereas the repercussions of the defection are a bummer for some Toledo sports fans and sports bar owners who invested in NBA satellite TV packages; therefore, Toledo City Council demands that James return to Cleveland and resume his Ohio career, or at least promise to send any future offspring to the University of Toledo basketball team.”
The “Toy Story” Resolution: “Whereas, the venerable toys Woody Pride the cowboy and Buzz Lightyear the space ranger have provided Andy Davis with many years of playtime fun and enjoyment; and whereas the toys have shown unusual intrepidness and determination in facing the challenges of his growing up; therefore, Toledo City Council demands that the Pixar and Walt Disney companies create several more moving pictures that show additional adventures of Woody, Buzz and their pals. Toledo City Council further demands more screen time for the adorable couple Barbie and Ken.”
The Mud Hens Resolution: “Whereas, during the course of a normal season, our beloved Toledo Mud Hens baseball team will win some games and lose some games; and whereas, losing sucks; Toledo City Council demands that the International League enact a rule that no team is allowed to ever beat the Mud Hens in exhibition, regular or postseason play, and that any team with a ninth-inning lead shall forfeit enough runs to allow the Mud Hens to win the game, up to and including all playoff and championship games. Toledo City Council will file a similar resolution on behalf of the Toledo Walleye and the Glass City Rollers roller derby team.”
The Fairness Doctrine Resolution: “Whereas, local talk radio station WSPD insists on airing conservative, Republican-leaning content in a steadfastly Democratic region; and whereas, several members of council are uncomfortable with the questions and comments expressed on the station; therefore, Toledo City Council demands that WSPD provides programming from Democratic perspectives, and have all local host content preapproved by a committee of elected Democratic officials. Also, Toledo City Council demands that Clear Channel make ‘Voice of the Rockets’ Mark Beier available to record voice mail messages for Council members.”
The Crystal Bowersox Resolution: “Whereas, Elliston native Crystal Bowersox was clearly the superior talent and should have won ‘American Idol’ Season 9; and whereas, Bowersox was outrageously robbed of her victory; therefore, Toledo City Council demands that FOX, FremantleMedia and 19 Entertainment rebroadcast the ‘American Idol’ finale so that Bowersox wins the competition and the rest of the top 10 is forced to each hold up one sign that cumulatively spells ‘T-O-L-E-D-O I-S A G-R-E-A-T C-I-T-Y’ and that furthermore, Clive Davis is not allowed to choose any songs for her debut CD.”
The Tornado Resolution: “Whereas, a June 5 tornado brought loss of life and major damage to the Northwest Ohio area; and whereas, said tornado caused irreparable harm to many local residents; therefore, Toledo City Council demands that God and Mother Nature cooperate with the Time Travel Physics Department at Harvard University to take the planet back in time to June 5 and replace the tornado and storm with a sunny, slightly breezy day during which no harm shall come to anyone, especially any of Toledo’s 666 voters. Toledo City Council further demands that while God is at it, He returns to the Palm Sunday tornado of April 11, 1965, that hit Point Place and takes that back, too. Oh, and maybe He can do something with the Steam Plant.”
The Income Appropriation Resolution: “Whereas, Toledo taxes its citizens to provide funds for Council to spend; but whereas it has come to the attention of Council that many local residents still take home a considerable amount of pay; therefore, Toledo City Council demands that all funds not taxed by the federal or county government be redirected to the City of Toledo, so that Council may decide how to spend the funds to best help the citizens subsequently driven to poverty and destitution by the new tax-collection standards.”
Michael S. Miller is editor in chief of Toledo Free Press and Toledo Free Press Star. E-mail him at email@example.com.