Well its finally happened! With the economy continuing in its downward spiral and money looking equally tight for the next couple years, it appears that the first of the holiday bailouts has finally arrived.

Many assumed that the 4th of July would have been the first to fall victim to government intervention, with the little interest these days in freedom and the total disrespect with which the Constitution is held (mostly by politicians). Some thought it was going to be President’s Day that would be the winner, since it sometimes appears that only one of the presidents really counts these days, the current one. Some even thought that it would be Thanksgiving, but PETA refused to sign off on the continued abuse of turkeys, and few if any feel that they have much to be thankful for these days anyway.

In the end however, it was Christmas that first fell under government control. Long considered a marginal holiday at best because of its religious connotations (though some say that these have become so inconsequential lately that they are hardly worth bothering about), it was undoubtedly saved in the end however by the government’s requirement for continued rampant consumerism in this country (a requirement that is in large part a demand of our creditors in the Chinese govt). Considered now a holiday “too big to fail”, Christmas will now become the first of the new government sponsored holidays.

Rumor in fact has it that the next stimulus package will contain a massive bailout for Santa Claus and his North Pole workshop. This traditional home of Christmas, staffed by “little people” once inappropriately called elves, will soon find its operation taken over by the new “Christmas Czar” in the Administration. (No names have yet been confirmed,but Jim Carey has been mentioned. His experience of an appearance in two recent Christmas movies is said to have been the telling factor in the selection …) In spite of the fact that this so-called North Pole operation is outside of the borders of the US, it expected that this czar will have much to say on improving current working conditions there (currently very cold), more livable wages for the staff (currently gingerbread cookies), and management salaries (Santa appears to work for free, but apparently receives a hefty bonus of milk and cookies at many of the homes he stops at on Christmas Eve).

In addition, many of the traditions of this holiday are expected to change in the coming years in order to meet what will be far stricter government regulations.

• Reindeer diet and treatment will now be strictly monitored, as accusations of long hours on Christmas Eve and apparent “flying” behavior have been reported in the past.

• Santa himself will go on a strict diet as a model to the children that he serves and in the hopes of reducing obesity in this country.

• The “Naughty and Nice” list will be abandoned, as such judgmental behavior inhibits self-esteem in our young.

• Toys will not so much be distributed to children as much as redistributed, with toys being taken away from those judged with too many and given to those more needy.

• Far stricter regulations as to decorating will be forthcoming, though probably not available for 2009 in the hopes of creating a more “green” holiday.

• Speaking of green, the use of live trees as decorations will be immediately banned; as the concept of raping the earth by cutting down trees merely to serve as home decorations is hardly in the spirit of a government holiday.

• Religious practices surrounding this holiday will not be banned (at least not yet). They will however be strictly regulated and limited; and will receive no government support of any kind.

It is hoped that under the enlightened leadership and guidance of this “Christmas Czar” and with these new regulations in place, that everyone will have a greener, a more egalitarian, and a more politically correct government Christmas.

So while it might seem a bit early to do so, let me be one of the first to wish you a Happy (government) Holiday!

Tim Higgins blogs at http://justblowingsmoke.blogspot.com/.

This entry was posted on Friday, December 11th, 2009 at 12:00 am and is filed under Just Blowing SMoke, Opinion.
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