Well it’s time once again for my annual pick of topical Halloween costumes. This makes the third year in a row that I have posted costume choices, though the first that I have done so through the TFP. I hope that this is early enough so that you who are still undecided can get out in time to gather the necessary materials.

Here are your national costume themes:

• Go back to the same house over and over again asking them for candy and then tell them, “No, never mind, I’m quitting the whole Halloween thing anyway”. When they ask what your costume is, tell them to take their pick: Brett Favre, Jay Leno, or Lance Armstrong. You just can’t decide.
• You could dress as an old man and Trick or Treat as director (and alleged pedophile) Roman Polankski but I wouldn’t advise it. You are liable to be arrested and extradited to California; where if you get what you deserve, they would lock you up for the rest of your sick, miserable life.
• Dress in a padded sumo wrestler’s costume, wear a ball cap, and insult everyone who gives you candy. When asked, tell them you are documentary film director Michael Moore and that they are probably some kind of corporate pirate or sick capitalist.
• Hit the streets with as many costumes as you can carry (each uglier than the last) and change before stopping at each house. When anyone asks, tell them you are national health care reform legislation.
• Dress in a suit and stop at each house, saying “you lie” instead of Trick or Treat. Then apologize and take the candy. Don’t worry, everyone will know you are South Carolina Rep. Joe Wilson.
• If the Joe Wilson thing gets boring, don’t worry. Wearing the same costume, simply grab the wallet of the owner of each house you Trick or Treat, take out all but a couple of bucks, and throw it back at them, telling them that this is all they deserve. When asked, tell them you are Pay Czar Kenneth Feinberg.
• Wear a stiff female mask and demand all of the candy of every house that you go to and every other person you meet on the street. When asked, tell them you are Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi and you will determine who gets what candy and how much.
• Start Trick or Treating a week ahead of time, do it again on Halloween, and continue for a week after. When asked, tell them you are President Obama and just wanted to make sure that they got the message.

For those who wish to dress in the spirit of Ohio

• Dress like a card dealer at a casino, but only stop at four houses. When asked, you can tell them you are State Issue 3.
• Dress as a slot machine and tell everyone not to touch you, you’re not supposed to be here in the first place.
• As you stand on each doorstep, front pockets pulled out and a glum look on your face, you should gradually slump down lower and lower. When asked, you can say that you are either the state budget for education or libraries.
• Trick or Treat in Poland instead of here locally, and when anyone (if anyone) asks, tell them you are Rep. Marcy Kaptur.
• Go out the day after Halloween and Trick or Treat. When they ask you who you are and why you are a day late, just tell them you’re Jon Stainbrook, chairman of the Lucas County Republican Party.

Here in Toledo

• Trick or Treat at only a very few houses and don’t seem very interested in the whole process. When asked, tell them you are a Toledo voter in a primary election.
• Lie flat on the doorstep of every house that you go to before saying Trick or Treat. When asked, tell them you are the vertical development at the Marina District.
• Dress as a bunch of flowers. When anyone asks who you are you can say, “I don’t know. Mayor Finkbeiner just sent me out to spruce up the neighborhood.”
• Wander the neighborhood putting pieces of paper on cars and removing Halloween decorations from yards. When anyone asks, tell them you are acting Commissioner of Streets, Bridges, & Harbors Sue Frederick.
• Dress up as a duck, walk with a limp, and when anyone asks yell at them that “you are Mayor Carlton S Finkbeiner dammit” (hopefully for the last time).
• Don’t forget the Toledo classic! Dress up with a piece of plywood hung sandwich board style front and back and tell them that you are damn near every building in downtown Toledo.

Remember to keep safe out there this year and have a good time.

Tim Higgins blogs at http://justblowingsmoke.blogspot.com/.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 30th, 2009 at 12:00 am and is filed under Just Blowing SMoke, Opinion.
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