Found on a pad of paper next to John “Jigsaw” Kramer’s makeshift hospital bed:

Phew! Got a lot to get done before I croak. Things to build, people to test, lessons to teach, victims to eviscerate. Guess it’s true what they say; a psychopath’s work is never done. They do say that, right?

Okay, time to focus. Things to Do Before I Die. Lessee …

• Design and build traps for the two games that will be going on simultaneously while I’m dying. No, wait; make that three games, my apprentice Amanda is being tested, too. (I really hope she doesn’t see this note.)
• Kidnap and set up the three victims for Jeff’s game. The woman and the judge should be no prob, but the medical student may be a bit of a hassle. Those young whippersnappers today with their working out and their Dan Fogelberg…
• Kidnap and set up the three victims for Rigg’s game. Oh, wait, that’s five victims, need to grab the lawyer and, uh, some other guy for the collar trap. Geez, how many people are involved in this one?
• Oh, shoot. Gotta kidnap Jeff, Rigg and Jeff’s wife, too. That makes, what, eleven in all? Whoa, hope I’m not forgetting anybody.
• To Buy List: 400 yards of rusty chain, freezer-proof tubing, at least 30 decomposing pig corpses, a torture rack (I wonder what’s the best deal you can get on one of those these days?), parts for both an automatic hair puller and an eye gouger, three different guns and their corresponding bullets, an exploding collar, a few motors, large block of ice…no, make that THREE large blocks of ice (got a kooky idea!), an electric chair (non-functioning is ok), miscellaneous timers, 15 or so monitors and oodles of security cameras, parts to make more of those dolls, and, of course, about 50 mini-cassette recorders and tapes. Man, I hope Sony’s happy; I’m single-handedly keeping their micro-cassette division in business.
• Oh, darn it…kidnap Jeff’s daughter, too. That makes twelve. Can’t ever accuse me of being unambitious.
• Record enigmatic and creepy narration for each trap on micro-cassette or VHS. This is important: Be careful not to switch tapes accidentally. That poor guy in the guillotine who ended up watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” never stood a chance.
• Coat post-mortem audio cassette with wax and swallow. Oh, I need to add one candle to the Buy list. Preferably unscented. Don’t wanna die with the smell of “Lilac Paradise” or something on my breath.
• Go over battle plan with Amanda and my other protégé, Hoffman. Apart, if possible, they don’t know about each other yet. Or do they? Darned if I can remember. If not, just have Hoffman leave her a note, I’m sure she won’t overreact.
• Get files on next set of victims for Hoffman. Of course, since he’s a cop, only Hoffman has access to those files, so…get Hoffman to get the files. Then give them back to him. Tell him it’s another test or something. That guy’ll believe anything.
• Plan out a set of traps for Hoffman’s first game, but he can build them for himself. Big baby’s making me think everything out, he can do some of the legwork. I got enough on my plate as it is, doncha think?
• Okay, this part’s really important: If Amanda kills Jeff’s wife and if Jeff kills her, then if the FBI guy kills Jeff after Jeff kills me, remind Hoffman to close the door behind him. If any of the “if”s don’t happen … um, haven’t thought that far ahead. Let’s just hope it all works out. Fingers crossed!
• Watch “Citizen Kane.” This is probably my last chance. Have Amanda make popcorn in the incineration pit.
• Oh, fiddlesticks … kidnap the female cop for the rib-split trap. That’s thirteen. That’s the last one. I’m sure this time. If I’m wrong, may my throat be cut with a buzz-saw. Oh, yeah…
• Add a buzz-saw to the Buy list.

E-mail Jeff at PopGoesJeff@gmail.com.

This entry was posted on Friday, October 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 am and is filed under Arts and Life, Pop Goes the Culture.
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