Our friend Jim Walrod of The Image Group is expecting his first baby this summer. During a conversation at the Mud Hens Opening Day game, Jim talked about how excited he and his wife are, and about his general expectations.

Rudely, a gentleman in our group, whose kids are college age and beyond, and I, whose kids are not quite 3 and 1 years old, laughed at Jim.

As everyone from your mother-in-law to Brian Griffin can tell you, there is no way to prepare for the experience of raising children. My wife and I read books, attended classes and listened like kung fu disciples at the feet of many experienced parents, but nothing in our heads could prepare us for the day-to-day realities of parenthood.

But Jim, like most of us, is trying to prepare himself the best he can. In honor of his innocence and in celebration of his pending bundle of joy, here is a quick quiz to see how much he, and other soon-to-be new fathers, know about the miracle of childbirth and the first few years of being a daddy.

1. From the observing male’s point of view, childbirth most closely resembles which science-fiction scenario?

A) Orcs and Uruk-Hai worming their way out of the Middle Earth mud.

B) The Sarlacc Pit coughing up Boba Fett.

C) Armus regurgitating Commander William Riker.

2. What is the most repulsive smell associated with a human baby?

A) Rancid milk.

B) Vomit.

C) Vomited rancid milk.

D) Feces.

E) Vomited feces.

3. Which of the following statements does NOT appear on a friendly looking bottle of “Thomas the Tank Engine Whistlin’ Berry Scent Bubble Bath”?

A) “Made with real berries.”

B) “If eye contact occurs, immediately flush with water.”

C) “Prolonged exposure may cause irritation to skin and urinary tract.”

4. Which child-focused television network is the best, and why?

A) Noggin, because it stresses preschool studies and appeals to parents with pop culture references, such as “The Wonder Pets Save The Beetles.”

B) Nickelodeon, because it stresses cultural diversity and appeals to parents with Warner Bros.-style humor such as “SpongeBob SquarePants.”

C) Playhouse Disney, because it stresses science and math, and appeals to daddies by casting a bevy of hotties on its shows like Nina from “Imagination Movers,” Genevieve from “Choo Choo Soul” and Kelly the hardware store owner on “Handy Manny.”

5. Within six months of bringing your new baby home, your monthly household expenses will:

A) Double.

B) Triple.

C). Quadruple.

D). Require a NASA calculator.

6. For the first few weeks after your baby comes home, which of the following commodities will become victims of the High Demand/Low Supply Theory?

A) Sleep.

B) Money.

C) Sex.

D) Peace and quiet.

7. I’m sorry; did I say “weeks?” I meant forever.

8. Which of the following mythical creatures will your children grow up believing in but will eventually learn does not exist?

A) Santa Claus.

B) Easter Bunny.

C) Tooth Fairy.

D) Lucas County Republican voter.

ANSWERS:

1. A), but anytime your wife asks, say “It was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.”

2. E), but I’ve only been doing this for three years, so that could change.

3. A); I copied B) and C) directly from the bottle. Thanks for making a bubble bath that can cause urinary tract infections, Britt Allcroft Co.!

4. C), but if your wife catches you enthusing about Nina, you’ll never hear the end of it. I haven’t.

5. NASA calculator joke stolen from “The Simpsons.” Did you know the average newborn can use as many as 17 diapers a day? And don’t be misled; a diaper box may say “up to 12 pounds,” but that means the baby’s weight, not the amount of waste it can absorb.

6. Don’t rush your wife back into C); be sensitive. Either way, you can likely kiss your A) goodbye.

7. Not an exaggeration, except C) (see Question No. 6).

8. At least A), B) and C) have their roots in some tradition or reality. There is no evidence that D) exists.

Michael S. Miller is editor in chief of Toledo Free Press. Contact him at mmiller@toledofreepress.com.

This entry was posted on Friday, April 24th, 2009 at 1:00 am and is filed under Lighting The Fuse, Opinion.
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