It’s time to move the junkWritten by Ryan Fowler | | email@example.com
“And it seems such a waste of time
If that’s what it’s all about
Mama, if that’s movin’ up then I’m movin’ out”
- Billy Joel
There’s something rejuvenating about moving into a new place. The process gives you a clean slate and a fresh start.
Consider it the CTRL+ALT+DELETE of life.
Though exhausting, both mentally and physically, moving allows you to throw stuff out. Or if you’re like me, the minutia travels close behind.
I recently moved across town and while packing came to a startling, but well-known, conclusion: I have collected way too much junk.
As I filled box after box at 3:30 in the morning, my groggy mind started to wander. The Cleveland Indians and Detroit Tigers report to training camp soon. Spring training will be a welcomed fresh start for two teams that failed to live up to expectations in 2008. To understand why the Tigs and Tribe underachieved last season can be explained by random items I discovered during my move.
Chinese finger traps. Why on Earth do these things exist and why do I have a package of them in my closet? Chinese finger traps are the definition of an impulse buy. Think about where you find them, at the register nestled next to the gum and candy bars. It’s the deck of playing cards, a Slinky or the finger traps.
Tigers General Manager Dave Dombrowski made his own impulse buy prior to the 2008 season. He traded a several minor league prospects to the Florida Marlins for first baseman Miguel Cabrera and pitcher Dontrelle Willis. Miguel lived up to the hype, swatting 37 home runs, but the Tigers offense didn’t need more pop, it needed an arm. The problem was Dontrelle’s arm was defective.
Willis signed a deal with Detroit that paid him $7 million in 2008. His numbers in return: no wins, an earned run average nearing 10 and the leg-kicking lefty spent most of the season in the minors.
Willis is scheduled to make $10 million this season. Dombrowski better pray for a complete turnaround because Mr. Willis can’t be returned to the customer service counter at Kroger.
Three TVs. Before you go all Jeff Foxworthy on me, let the record state that the TVs are not stacked on top of each other. Now, the saying goes you can’t have too much of a good thing, but three may be one too many.
The Tigers recently signed closer Brandon Lyon to officially end the Todd Jones’ era in Detroit. Please keep your applause down.
Detroit now has some options. The team still has Joel “Guitar Hero” Zumaya, Fernando Rodney and Freddy Dolsi in the back end of their bullpen. Zumaya was thought to be the closer of the future, but the flame thrower has had two random arm injuries: one caused by playing a videogame and the other after lifting boxes. When the Tigs were desperate last season, they even threw Dolsi out in the ninth to close a game.
With Lyon brought in and signed to a $4 million contract, don’t be surprised to see a few of those other names dealt elsewhere.
VCRs. Are these archaic electronic devices still relevant? With DVRs in every other household, I think the days of SLP and setting the television to Channel 3 to record are over. I threw up in my mouth a little bit when I heard the Indians were thinking about signing Carl Pavano. I threw up more when they actually did sign him. The 33-year-old has only pitched in 19 games over the past three seasons. He underwent Tommy John surgery, which is in most cases a death sentence for a pitcher’s career
The thing about the Indians is that they always pull this stunt. They go out and snatch up a one-time All-Star, who happened to date Alyssa Milano, but by the time Chief Wahoo is on their cap, they are damaged goods. I’ll be amazed if Pavano wins five games.
Spring training is in itself a move for baseball teams. It gives them the chance to pack up the good stuff and throw out the garbage.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back to unpacking. Anyone need a paddle ball?
Ryan Fowler is the Weekend Sports Anchor at NBC 24 and can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.