Getting ready for winterWritten by Ray Barry | | email@example.com
Having lived in the Midwest all my life, I like to think that I know a thing or two about getting ready for “Old Man Winter” and all his anger… all his fury. Actually, I can’t say it’s much of a “fury,” really… it’s more of a “wrath,” though it’s a wrath that’s completely erratic and aimed at no one in particular. Let me put it this way: dealing with winter is kind of like being on the road with really, really old people who are driving: you could die at any moment.
Old Man Winter is old. REAL old. If Old Man Winter drove a car (a Cadillac or a Park Ave, guaranteed), he would barely be able to see over the steering wheel. He might kill 4 people in the process — and not even know it. His judgment is absolutely shot. Oh, why’d he dump 38 inches of snow on you right before your big 4-hour turnpike trip? Probably because his blinker is STILL on and he has no clue he just dumped 38 inches of snow on anything or anyone. He shouldn’t even be driving.
Anyway, winter is almost here. So in order to help you prepare for The Old Man, I’ve put together a list of useful tips and helpful information, gathered from my numerous years of experience dealing with the bitter cold.
Rule No. 1 – Never Clean Your Gutters
I can’t stress this one enough. In my experience I’ve found that letting your gutters fill up with water and freeze is actually a GREAT way to insulate your home. Plus the gigantic stalactite-esque icicles that your gutters will produce also gives your home a very festive/wintry look, perfect for creating that “Winter Wonderland” you sing about each December.
Rule No. 2 – Don’t Rake Those Leaves!
“Leaving” the leaves (yeah, I said it) right where they’re at is a GREAT way to keep your grass warm and dry all winter long. Think of that layer of fall foliage as a sort-of “long-underwear for your lawn.” If your grass could talk, it would say, “Boy am I toasty!”
Rule No. 3 – Crack Your Windows During the Day
Everyone knows that the daytime is warmer than the night time (cause that’s when the sun is out, dummy!). So, open up your windows and let all that warm, sunny air into the house. Sure it may FEEL cold, but looks can be deceiving. You see, each one of those air cells has been roasted by the sun’s ultraviolet-rays prior to entering you home. Once they’re inside, they’ll “pop” and release a burst of hot energy (scientifically known as “heat poppers”), warming your home from top to bottom.
- Don’t drain your garden hose. Simply tie the ends into a knot and save all that summertime water — it’s full of valuable nutrients…
- Forget the defrosters, use boiling-hot water on your windshield each morning…
- When driving in the snow, always accelerate as fast as possible and “peel out” your tires. Doing so will cause the rubber to heat to intense levels and melt away any snow you encounter… You’ll be driving a literal “Chariot of Fire.” Remember: when in doubt, floor it.
Read Ray Barry’s blog, True Stories at Stanleyavenue.blogspot.com. Ray Barry can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.