Amstutz, Tigers headline ‘Sussman’s Thirteen’
Written by Matt Sussman | | news@toledofreepress.com
So, “Ocean’s Thirteen” premieres this weekend. Below are 13 sports personalities in the region that are my favorite that we’ll affectionately call “Sussman’s Thirteen.” Enough of a theme for you?
Tom Amstutz — UT football coach
Colorfulness in Toledo sports starts and ends, even alphabetically (from A to Z), with Toledo Tom. His current office at the Glass Bowl will not only be his final resting place, but the area’s most prominent homemade summer sausage kitchen.
Chris Chelios — Detroit Red Wings defenseman
He makes the list, not only because I respect my elders, but also because his training regimen includes pedaling a stationary bike for 45 minutes in a sauna. If you think that’s crazy, then consider: at least it’s a stationary bike.
Dan Dakich — (Former) BGSU basketball coach
Yes, he’s gone from our region, but hardly forgotten. His final season at BGSU left an impression on our souls. He let the team scout the opponent for a game, then lost a game after taking the team back to the locker room with 0.6 seconds left and up by two points. He coached the season almost like a terminally ill patient, in that he knew his time was limited so he wanted to try every crazy coaching maneuver while he still could.
Daniel Gibson — Cleveland Cavaliers guard
Nicknamed “Boobie” by his mother, the rookie from Texas has become the hottest sports figure in Cleveland not in possession of a bazillion-dollar shoe contract. And no, I’m not including him just so I can write “Boobie” in a newspaper article.
Todd Jones — Detroit Tigers closer
He’s disillusioning me with some blown saves as of late, but he still stays on the list due to his most unusual superstition: he only packs one pair of underwear on road trips. Oh, don’t worry, he’ll wash it daily, but that’s why he earns the nickname “ONE-derpants.”
James Laurinaitis — OSU linebacker
His dad was the famous wrestler “The Animal.” And “wrestle” rhymes with his coach Jim Tressel. If I ever meet those two in person, my suave opening line is going to be if they knew that.
Corey Partridge — BGSU wide receiver
Not only is the man a beast up the middle — I’m giving him a sporting chance to make the NFL when the time comes — but he’s featured in my favorite incriminating Facebook photo of all time. He was seen, wearing shorts, but no shirt, and with plastic baggies around his hands, picking up a dead animal, possibly a raccoon. The photo caption said his cell phone was inside the animal.
Nate Robertson — Detroit Tigers pitcher
You have to feel for the man after getting some of the paltriest run support in baseball the last few years. Nonetheless, his selection of eyeglasses rivals that of Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn. Coupled with the beard and hat, his visage would make a great bank heist mask. Not that robbing a bank is a great idea, but a thief could certainly leave a visual impression.
Gary Sheffield — Detroit Tigers designated hitter
He’s always cooked up some crazy quotes, but his most recent theory takes the cake. The Sheff said in an interview that there are fewer blacks in baseball because MLB can control Hispanics easier. No, Gary. You’re thinking of Muppets.
Anderson Varejao — Cleveland Cavaliers forward
The way he flops on the court isn’t necessarily as cool as the way his hair does, making him a spittin’ image of Sideshow Bob from “The Simpsons.”
I wonder if the San Antonio Spurs will try to stop him in the NBA finals by filling the basketball court with rakes.
Kellen Winslow Jr. — Cleveland Browns tight end
Sorry, captain. You can never live down a “I’m a [blankety—blanking] soldier!” sound byte when referring to playing football, unless your name’s Pat Tillman.
Rasheed Wallace — Detroit Pistons forward
Not to be outdone by Sheffield in craziness, his fourth quarter tantrum June 2 in Game 6 of the Eastern Conference finals against the Cavaliers ranked among the all-time blowups, right next to Jerry Maguire’s classic resignation scene: “I’m not gonna do what you all think I’m gonna do, which is just FLIP OUT!!”
Joel Zumaya — Detroit Tigers relief pitcher
I realize this is probably the 57th Tigers pitcher I’ve selected, but they’re all so kooky. One of the most fabled injuries in Tigers history, Zoom-Zoom got hurt last year after playing “Guitar Hero.” He’s hurt again, which leads me to believe he’s lost his clubhouse Wii privileges.
