Eye of the ligerWritten by Matt Sussman | | firstname.lastname@example.org
It’s the end of March, which means the Detroit Tigers are tied for first and still have a chance at winning the division.
We’re also a month away from the Detroit Lions using their first round draft pick on a player so incredulous, it will make their wide receivers drop whatever is in their hands.
Good thing the Motor City has the Red Wings and the Pistons as successful franchises. They seem to be doing just fine with the 5-on-5 play. But the 9-on-9 and the 11-on-11, not so much.
Detroit can’t plod along with two underperforming franchises. So with all the mergers in today’s business world, such as the $4.5 billion sale of Knight Ridder —that’s a lot of money to purchase a talking car — perhaps it’s time to combine the Tigers and the Lions into a ”superteam” of sorts with a fighting chance at winning something. Anything.
The only major decisions in a Lions-Tigers consolidations are: what to call themselves and which sport they will play.
The mascot would be the Tigons or the Ligers. Both are actual hybrid animals. The Tigons would be a perfect fit for Detroit’s automotive industry, because the Ford Tigon sounds like a sleek model for a hybrid car. Likewise, the liger is ”pretty much” Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite animal. Few other sports mascots are bred for their powers in magic. Except for the Orlando Magic.
Then they need to decide whether to create a football or baseball team. The Lions’ receivers have speed at the wide receiver position, so they would make great basestealers. Plus, they wouldn’t have to catch anything. They never do.
Also, any one of their gargantuan linemen would make a fine catcher. Put it this way: Would you try to slide into home with 350-pound Courtney Van Buren protecting the plate?
Perhaps the Tigers would assist the Lions near the line of scrimmage. Did you see last year how Kenny Rogers didn’t let that cameraman get by him? Put him on the offensive line to protect the pass rush.
It would be a no-brainer to make the Ligers a football team had they retained relief pitcher Kyle Farnsworth. He was notorious for body tackling opposing pitchers during brawls. He’s done it twice, and I’m guessing he could tally at least ten solo tackles a game as a linebacker.
This combination should work well with another hard-luck sports city. Be on the lookout for the Detroit Ligers to square off against the Cleveland Browndians.
And now, I’ll open the floor to some other sports bloggers:
Sal Marinello, a fellow writer on Blogcritics (blogcritics.org), on the NCAA basketball tournament: ”If my doctor tells me I only have six months to live, I want it to be in ‘last two minutes of the game’ time.”
Gary Clark of The Sports Frog (sportsfrog.com), on the namesake of No. 11-seed George Mason University’s improbable run in the NCAA tourney: ”I wonder if he was ever ranked as one of the top eight political philosophers on earth.”
The Mighty MJD (themightymjd.com), on former Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri signing with the Colts: ”I think he should wear all three of his rings to every practice, just to remind Peyton Manning what a winner looks like.”