An offer you can’t refuse — can you?Written by Bob Frantz | | email@example.com
Welcome to Toledo and thanks for choosing to relocate your company to our elegant city! You know, since so many of our businesses have bailed out on us … er, I mean … given up on … um … that is, “arranged their geographical preferences in recent years, some prime locations have become available, and we’re confident you’ll find one to your liking!
Let’s see, your storage warehouse can be right over there, your parking garage is across the street, your front office building is right here, and oh, yes, here they are: the brand-new staff we’ve selected for you is coming in now. And right on time, I might add.
What’s that, you ask? The new staff? Oh, yes, you see we’ve taken the liberty of screening the applicants for the jobs you have available from our vast pool of candidates here in Toledo, and we’ve entrusted them with the financial security of your company for years to come. No, you don’t have to thank us … just consider us your own personal human-resources department.
You see, in the process of bribing you, er, inviting you, to bring your operation to Toledo, we’ve given you a nice incentive package in the form of tax abatements, free parking privileges for the first 10 years of your lease and a Cheese-of-the-Month club membership for your CEO (just wait ’til December … Brie Month!). Well, those things don’t come free, you know, and we expect a little something in return. So instead of going out of your way (and the city limits) to find the best, most highly qualified candidates to fill your valuable positions, we’re requiring you to hire whomever we have available here in town.
Wait a minute! Where you goin’?
What? You mean you don’t like the idea of having your choice of employees limited to job-seekers here in Toledo? What’s wrong, Toledoans not good enough for you?
WHAT DOES AN OREGONIAN HAVE THAT A TOLEDOAN DOESN’T?
Oh, I get it. Toledo workers are fine, but you have a policy hiring “the best and the brightest” and some of the brightest might live out in the suburbs.
Well, aren’t you special.
Tell you what: how about if we just make you interview Toledo residents before you hire anybody else? Let’s say for, I dunno, maybe three to six months. If we haven’t found, screened, trained and prepared somebody to fill your job within six months, then you can go outside the city. Deal?
Whaddaya mean you can’t let production lapse for two fiscal quarters? They’re doing it in Columbus! Greedy, greedy, greedy!
Seriously, come on guys. You’re only in town a few minutes and already acting like you own the place. This is Toledo, pal. You don’t just go around demanding entrepreneurial autonomy like that.
Look, I know you’re already going to hire a significant number of Toledoans when you open your doors, because Toledo is filled with many of those best and brightest minds you seek. But it’s just not the same if we don’t have control over it.
You see, in Toledo, we like to control things. We tell business owners what they can do in their buildings. We tell them where they can smoke. We tell them where they can build secure parking lots for armored-car cash deliveries, those terrorist bastards. And darn it, we have to be the ones to tell them whom they can hire.
See, the rest of Ohio’s unemployment rates are dropping, along with the nation’s, but ours still stinks. And we’ve got to find a way, any way, to show Toledo voters that we’re putting them back to work, before they finally wise up and realize that “stagnation” isn’t really a synonym for “progression.”
Seriously. We can only fool them for so long.
All right, here’s our final offer: You go ahead and hire whomever you want to make your business as profitable and successful as it can be … but if anybody asks, we forced them on you … deal?
Oh, and one more thing: If your out-of-town hires relocate to Toledo, then decide to move when your company inevitably leaves, make sure they understand one thing perfectly clear: They’re paying home-inspection fees before they sell.
Bob Frantz hosts “Bob Frantz and the Morning News” each weekday on WSPD 1370 AM. He may be contacted by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.