The Tom and Katie DiariesWritten by Michael Miller | Editor in Chief Emeritus | email@example.com
TOLEDO, 3018 A.D. — The following manuscript was found in the cornerstone time capsule of Finkbeiner Coliseum, which was constructed in 2009.
Sept. 12, 2005 – Dear Diary,
Tom finally met my family today. We all gathered in Toledo, and Tom says he could live here! He loved the people of Toledo, the landscapes of Toledo and the architecture of Toledo. It’s expensive to fly my family to Spain, but Tom says he’ll do it as often as I wish.
Oct. 14, 2005 – Dear Diary,
I am now Mrs. Tom Cruise. I am the luckiest girl in the world. Except maybe for Laura Bush. Tom and I talked about his previous marriages for a long time before our wedding. He says Mimi couldn’t adjust to his growing fame, and Nicole was angry he was always “chasing Oscar.” He means the award, right?
Dec.18, 2005 – Dear Diary,
For my birthday, Tom bought me the Vatican. He says now that we own it, we can tear it down and build the Katie Cruise Scientology Visitors Center. Sigh. I’m in love, love, love, crazy love!
Feb. 14, 2006 – Dear Diary,
James Van Der Beek keeps calling my cell phone. He knows it’s over, but he won’t stop asking me to sign up for the “Dawson’s Creek” reunion. I’m afraid if Tom finds out James is calling, he’ll send Spielberg’s goons to rough him up. For Valentine’s Day, Tom bought me the rights to all future “Batman” movies. Isn’t he sweet?
April 3, 2006 – Dear Diary,
So, like, Tom’s in Europe filming “Cocktail 2” and I’m stuck in L.A. waiting for my agent to call. The night before he left (Tom, not my agent), we were making love and he called me “Oscar.” It’s so sweet how much that award means to him.
June 12, 2006 – Dear Diary,
Sad news today. Tom lost his lawsuit against “Ebert & Tinta.” The case went all the way to the Supreme Court! They said film critics have no right to harm a film’s commercial prospects by criticizing it. The Bush Administration’s lawyers said if free speech doesn’t apply to any other writers, it shouldn’t apply to reviewers. Diary, did you ever look at a word over and over until it stopped making sense? Ebert. Ebert. Ebert. Ebert. Yogurt. Yogurt. Ebgurt. Yobert.
July 3, 2006 – Dear Diary,
Tom’s birthday today. It went mostly well. He and Oprah made up for that incident last year when he jumped on her couch and squashed that box of Twinkies she had hidden under the cushions. I gave Tom a bottle of English Leather and the new “Batman Begins” DVD. He’s still a little taken aback by Nicole marrying Will Ferrell, but he put on a brave face.
Feb. 12, 2009 – Dear Diary,
I solved that physics problem today. It turns out I underestimated the arc of decent and left out the fourth quadrant exponent. Oops!
July 21, 2014 – Dear Diary,
Filmed the “Dawson’s Creek” reunion. I’m pretty sure Michelle Williams had her face lifted. James seems happy. It was very strained between us. We had a moment of silence for the WB.
March 3, 2025 – Dear Diary,
Tom broke his hip during a stunt for “Mission Impossible 7.” He’s going to have Harrison Ford surgery to repair his left hip. His limo driver, Oscar, is taking care of him while I’m filming my segment of VH-1’s “I Love the 80s Strikes Back Again, One More Time.”
Aug. 4, 2031 – Dear Diary,
Where did the years go? Tom and I marked our 25th anniversary today. I can’t believe we’ve been divorced for 25 years. At least I’ve got James. And the Church has forgiven me for tearing down the Vatican. The Pope seems very comfortable in his new offices at the old WB studios.Michael S. Miller is Editor in Chief of Toledo Free Press.
He may be contacted at (419) 241-1700, or by e-mail at firstname.lastname@example.org.